Saturday, May 29, 2010
Push
I think I've tried my best. I've done all and more for you. I'm here for you whenever you need me, but you seem to even want me around you. Do you feel like I'm forcing you to stay? Do you just want to go away? Whatever it is, can you not just push me away? I thought you had me and I had you. But now I really don't know what to say.
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
Strong
Wednesday, 19 May 2010 @ 7.15pm
How am I supposed to be strong? Am I meant to be strong for everyone? Who's going to be strong for me? How am I supposed to share if I'm expected to carry the weight of the world on my shoulders. I was strong when I knew you were to back me up. I felt invincible because I knew all I had to do is turn around and you'd be there. Now I don't know who's there anymore...
Stop crying, they say. You're a strong girl. You'll get through this. You can do it. You're built to be strong. Strong, strong, strong, strong, strong. Fuck you. How the fuck am I supposed to always be strong? Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. And fuck you too.
Do you know what it's like to always be strong? To always have to have a facade on? To be everyone's mama, everyone's sister, everyone's everything? And the one time I need you, you tell me to just be strong because I'm built that way?
Do you know that I have to build a wall around my heart to keep this facade up? Do you know that I have to keep up this fake smile and fake warm exterior when all I want to do is just curl up and cry? What's the point of talking to anyone if all they ask, no, tell me, to do is be strong?
What if, just this one time, I want to be weak? I want to be helpless? I want you to be strong for me?
I guess that's not happening.
So that's that. Strong it shall be.
How am I supposed to be strong? Am I meant to be strong for everyone? Who's going to be strong for me? How am I supposed to share if I'm expected to carry the weight of the world on my shoulders. I was strong when I knew you were to back me up. I felt invincible because I knew all I had to do is turn around and you'd be there. Now I don't know who's there anymore...
Stop crying, they say. You're a strong girl. You'll get through this. You can do it. You're built to be strong. Strong, strong, strong, strong, strong. Fuck you. How the fuck am I supposed to always be strong? Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. And fuck you too.
Do you know what it's like to always be strong? To always have to have a facade on? To be everyone's mama, everyone's sister, everyone's everything? And the one time I need you, you tell me to just be strong because I'm built that way?
Do you know that I have to build a wall around my heart to keep this facade up? Do you know that I have to keep up this fake smile and fake warm exterior when all I want to do is just curl up and cry? What's the point of talking to anyone if all they ask, no, tell me, to do is be strong?
What if, just this one time, I want to be weak? I want to be helpless? I want you to be strong for me?
I guess that's not happening.
So that's that. Strong it shall be.
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
Toxic
Wednesday, 19 May 2010 @ 9.19am
There are certain things in life you cannot control. Even more so, certain people. To not have anybody supporting me is a norm. Which is why I've built a strong, confident outlook. And which is also why I choose to work as hard as I do. There are so many people who do not understand me (or who choose not to) and there are plenty of others who are in the same shoes as myself. But there are also that certain few who think they know it all. You know the kind. They read a chapter (and maybe not even the full one) on a subject they don't even know and think that they know more than someone who's lived forty over years making a career out of that subject.
I usually don't let cocky, arrogant bastards bother me and my life. Hey, I sometimes get a laugh or two out of their actions. But it's when they push that limit and go the extra mile...that's when it pisses me off. But someone once told me that these people who are out to hurt people are usually hurt souls themselves.
No, I'm not going to go on saying that I feel sorry for such bastards. Or that I understand. I'll just say that there are plenty of things I cannot control, and plenty of things I must learn to handle.
It's easy how these very same people dare to preach what they think is right when they forget that they themselves were in the same position that they're speaking so highly of. It's these contradicting dickheads that at the end of the day (even after a long one that involves many tears shed), that I end up having the most entertainment out of. It's not everyday that you run into people who think so highly of themselves even though you know they don't even dare have dinner alone downstairs :) See? Entertainment already.
But I'm under pressure now. A lot of fucking pressure. I highly DO NOT recommend people who are setting up a kindergarten to also plan for their own wedding. I also highly DO NOT recommend people to open their newly set-up kindy a few days apart from their wedding. It's a lot of fucking pressure. Trust me on this.
I've decided to take the high road and do what I have to do. People were always warning me that my engagement period is always the toughest. And that there are so many tests that I will have to face and overcome. This is definitely one of many tests I foresee. But it's happened, I'm over it, and it's time to move on.
By the way, don't expect me to play happy families for the sake of having a 'happy' facade. I really don't give a flying fuck if it may seem childish or immature or if I'm not smiling for the camera, but I've got my own life to lead and my own problems to face. I don't need people who I hardly speak to to try and dictate my life. Here's a suggestion: try to get to know the situation a little better, look at yourself in the mirror before you try and preach about what you think is right and stay out of my life. Have I ever bothered yours?
And once again, after many, many times of saying this: this is my blog. No one put a gun to your head to read it. So if you feel offended, then yes, it was most likely about you. And if it bothers you so much, here's another suggestion: stop reading it.
Peace.
There are certain things in life you cannot control. Even more so, certain people. To not have anybody supporting me is a norm. Which is why I've built a strong, confident outlook. And which is also why I choose to work as hard as I do. There are so many people who do not understand me (or who choose not to) and there are plenty of others who are in the same shoes as myself. But there are also that certain few who think they know it all. You know the kind. They read a chapter (and maybe not even the full one) on a subject they don't even know and think that they know more than someone who's lived forty over years making a career out of that subject.
I usually don't let cocky, arrogant bastards bother me and my life. Hey, I sometimes get a laugh or two out of their actions. But it's when they push that limit and go the extra mile...that's when it pisses me off. But someone once told me that these people who are out to hurt people are usually hurt souls themselves.
No, I'm not going to go on saying that I feel sorry for such bastards. Or that I understand. I'll just say that there are plenty of things I cannot control, and plenty of things I must learn to handle.
It's easy how these very same people dare to preach what they think is right when they forget that they themselves were in the same position that they're speaking so highly of. It's these contradicting dickheads that at the end of the day (even after a long one that involves many tears shed), that I end up having the most entertainment out of. It's not everyday that you run into people who think so highly of themselves even though you know they don't even dare have dinner alone downstairs :) See? Entertainment already.
But I'm under pressure now. A lot of fucking pressure. I highly DO NOT recommend people who are setting up a kindergarten to also plan for their own wedding. I also highly DO NOT recommend people to open their newly set-up kindy a few days apart from their wedding. It's a lot of fucking pressure. Trust me on this.
I've decided to take the high road and do what I have to do. People were always warning me that my engagement period is always the toughest. And that there are so many tests that I will have to face and overcome. This is definitely one of many tests I foresee. But it's happened, I'm over it, and it's time to move on.
By the way, don't expect me to play happy families for the sake of having a 'happy' facade. I really don't give a flying fuck if it may seem childish or immature or if I'm not smiling for the camera, but I've got my own life to lead and my own problems to face. I don't need people who I hardly speak to to try and dictate my life. Here's a suggestion: try to get to know the situation a little better, look at yourself in the mirror before you try and preach about what you think is right and stay out of my life. Have I ever bothered yours?
And once again, after many, many times of saying this: this is my blog. No one put a gun to your head to read it. So if you feel offended, then yes, it was most likely about you. And if it bothers you so much, here's another suggestion: stop reading it.
Peace.
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
Friends
Thursday, 29 April 2010 @ 12.12pm
I have never experienced a friend dying. I'm one of those people who have witnessed so many deaths but have never truly felt the loss of a loved one. The closest incident that I've experienced was when Steph's father passed away. But even that felt as though I was just an outsider looking in. I have never felt the pain and loss of a person's departure.
This morning, a colleague came into work late because her friend died. When she came in, she told me that she was shocked and had had no idea her friend had a brain tumour. And that her friend had said her 'goodbyes' at their last meet just last week. That's what she kept repeating.
"We didn't know. We just saw her last week."
Upon relaying this story to another colleague, her reaction was sadness mixed with anger. She told me stories of her own experiences of her own friends who failed to inform anyone of their sickness and being invited to their funerals by their husbands and family. She was sad because of the death but angry because her friend had failed to tell anyone of her illness. But she told me another story of another friend who knew he was dying, who had shared the illness with his friends, and who celebrated what was left of his life.
Is it fair for us to be upset with the people who left us behind so suddenly? Should we not just embrace the sadness instead? I don't think so. Friends are the family we create because it's with them that we can express ourselves without being judged by family members who have a certain idea of what and how they want you to be (unless you're lucky enough to have family who aren't judgemental). Friends are the ones who we can turn to if we're in trouble. Friends are there not just for entertainment, but a true friend is also there for the bad times too.
I understand how a person would want to hide their illness so it won't bother others, or so their friends won't treat them differently. But give your friend the benefit of the doubt. Don't keep something so huge that's happening in your life, because if you were to ever leave them behind, it's your loss that would shock and make them feel betrayed.
Life is short. Much too short. And I know that this has been said one too many times, but make the most of it. Appreciate what you have, because you never know what's going to happen next. But for those of you who do know, or who are hiding an illness, don't. You'll be surprised how supportive a friend can be and how much they can change your life. No matter how short or how long left you have.
"To the world you may be just one person, but to one person you may be the world." - Brandi Snyder
I have never experienced a friend dying. I'm one of those people who have witnessed so many deaths but have never truly felt the loss of a loved one. The closest incident that I've experienced was when Steph's father passed away. But even that felt as though I was just an outsider looking in. I have never felt the pain and loss of a person's departure.
This morning, a colleague came into work late because her friend died. When she came in, she told me that she was shocked and had had no idea her friend had a brain tumour. And that her friend had said her 'goodbyes' at their last meet just last week. That's what she kept repeating.
"We didn't know. We just saw her last week."
Upon relaying this story to another colleague, her reaction was sadness mixed with anger. She told me stories of her own experiences of her own friends who failed to inform anyone of their sickness and being invited to their funerals by their husbands and family. She was sad because of the death but angry because her friend had failed to tell anyone of her illness. But she told me another story of another friend who knew he was dying, who had shared the illness with his friends, and who celebrated what was left of his life.
Is it fair for us to be upset with the people who left us behind so suddenly? Should we not just embrace the sadness instead? I don't think so. Friends are the family we create because it's with them that we can express ourselves without being judged by family members who have a certain idea of what and how they want you to be (unless you're lucky enough to have family who aren't judgemental). Friends are the ones who we can turn to if we're in trouble. Friends are there not just for entertainment, but a true friend is also there for the bad times too.
I understand how a person would want to hide their illness so it won't bother others, or so their friends won't treat them differently. But give your friend the benefit of the doubt. Don't keep something so huge that's happening in your life, because if you were to ever leave them behind, it's your loss that would shock and make them feel betrayed.
Life is short. Much too short. And I know that this has been said one too many times, but make the most of it. Appreciate what you have, because you never know what's going to happen next. But for those of you who do know, or who are hiding an illness, don't. You'll be surprised how supportive a friend can be and how much they can change your life. No matter how short or how long left you have.
"To the world you may be just one person, but to one person you may be the world." - Brandi Snyder
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
'Boifren'
Tuesday, 27 April 2010 @ 6.56pm
My gut instinct is telling me something fishy is going on here. It did from the first time I saw her and Z become friends on Facebook. I know their history and I know it's all innocent. But there were some comments made that made me start suspecting something. My feelings were not confirmed till I one fine day when I was in Z's account happily harvesting my crops in his farm. An instant message appears that reads something like this:
S: hi boifren. hehehhe
Me: (stunned and shaking with anger) hi
S: is the wife there? hahahaha
Me: no, this is the wife
S: oh, i'm sorry. are u angry? sorry.
Me: (typing furiously but keeping the 'tone' as calm as I could) why are you calling him 'boifren'?
S: oh its nothing. we were both schoolmates in primary, i was just playing. i'm sorry. it's nothing. really.
Me: S, you're a woman, so you should understand how I feel. If it were you who saw something like that, you would feel as angry as I do now.
S: there's really nothing. i'm really sorry. we're friends from a long time ago, blah blah blah
The next two minutes she spent apologising and I calmed down. And that's when I thought, "keep your friends close, but your enemies closer." I turned the conversation around, played it light till she even suggested we meet one day.
I trust Z. With all my heart. But at the end of the day, he's a man. A charming, flirtatious man. A woman could easily fall for his light and easy charm. Although it took him a while to win me over. And boy, did I enjoy playing with him back then. And no, he's not 100% innocent in all this. But that's another day's blog.
I soon discovered S is a divorcee with three children. Fine by me. In fact, if I got to know her a little better, I might even like her and want to do whatever I can to help her. But where the hell does she come off calling MY man 'boifren' (and I keep spelling it that way because it was that one misspelled word that shook my anger till my blood was boiling and my hands were shaking). I believe myself to be a feminist. I do not want to go against a fellow woman, but don't give me the ammo to shoot at you. And don't make yourself a simple target.
Nanti aku panggil ka perempuan jalang engkau mesti tak suka kan?
No matter how close you are to a guy friend, or how long you've known each other, pay a little respect to him and his fiancee, even if you don't know her.
Nanti aku marah kau cakap bukan2 kau berani nak cakap apa2 balik ke?
I don't believe in going around with other male friends and 'jokingly' call them pet names. Single or attached. Unless they're gay. Even then, I'd call him sister.
Cerminkan diri kau balik boleh tak perempuan? Dahlah janda, anak tiga, kau pergi ayat tunang aku bukan2. Jangan bagi aku panas.
See? And there's my ammo. And it's only because you make it so easy for me to shoot you. Watch yourself. If you had a man, I'd gladly do what you did. Then maybe you'd understand how I feel.
My gut instinct is telling me something fishy is going on here. It did from the first time I saw her and Z become friends on Facebook. I know their history and I know it's all innocent. But there were some comments made that made me start suspecting something. My feelings were not confirmed till I one fine day when I was in Z's account happily harvesting my crops in his farm. An instant message appears that reads something like this:
S: hi boifren. hehehhe
Me: (stunned and shaking with anger) hi
S: is the wife there? hahahaha
Me: no, this is the wife
S: oh, i'm sorry. are u angry? sorry.
Me: (typing furiously but keeping the 'tone' as calm as I could) why are you calling him 'boifren'?
S: oh its nothing. we were both schoolmates in primary, i was just playing. i'm sorry. it's nothing. really.
Me: S, you're a woman, so you should understand how I feel. If it were you who saw something like that, you would feel as angry as I do now.
S: there's really nothing. i'm really sorry. we're friends from a long time ago, blah blah blah
The next two minutes she spent apologising and I calmed down. And that's when I thought, "keep your friends close, but your enemies closer." I turned the conversation around, played it light till she even suggested we meet one day.
I trust Z. With all my heart. But at the end of the day, he's a man. A charming, flirtatious man. A woman could easily fall for his light and easy charm. Although it took him a while to win me over. And boy, did I enjoy playing with him back then. And no, he's not 100% innocent in all this. But that's another day's blog.
I soon discovered S is a divorcee with three children. Fine by me. In fact, if I got to know her a little better, I might even like her and want to do whatever I can to help her. But where the hell does she come off calling MY man 'boifren' (and I keep spelling it that way because it was that one misspelled word that shook my anger till my blood was boiling and my hands were shaking). I believe myself to be a feminist. I do not want to go against a fellow woman, but don't give me the ammo to shoot at you. And don't make yourself a simple target.
Nanti aku panggil ka perempuan jalang engkau mesti tak suka kan?
No matter how close you are to a guy friend, or how long you've known each other, pay a little respect to him and his fiancee, even if you don't know her.
Nanti aku marah kau cakap bukan2 kau berani nak cakap apa2 balik ke?
I don't believe in going around with other male friends and 'jokingly' call them pet names. Single or attached. Unless they're gay. Even then, I'd call him sister.
Cerminkan diri kau balik boleh tak perempuan? Dahlah janda, anak tiga, kau pergi ayat tunang aku bukan2. Jangan bagi aku panas.
See? And there's my ammo. And it's only because you make it so easy for me to shoot you. Watch yourself. If you had a man, I'd gladly do what you did. Then maybe you'd understand how I feel.
Sunday, April 11, 2010
Children
Sunday, 11 April 2010 @ 9.27pm
I feel sorry for children who are forced to grow up faster than they should. Sorry that they get mocked for liking things that may be deemed 'childish'. Sorry that they get laughed at when they're doing something they truly enjoy. Sorry that they're being called stupid and idiot and other names that they shouldn't even know yet, let alone be called.
I remember when I was a hormonal 17-year-old. I couldn't control my emotions and I couldn't help some of the things I did or said. There was one particular thing about that age that I remember though. It was during the time of month where I really should have been locked up in a room for at least a week. I asked someone why kids are so stupid, why they don't know anything and why they're always asking questions. This person laughed and agreed. Did I mention that this person is older and should have known better? This person should have set an example or taught me children don't know anything and are always asking questions. Did I also mention that I have since lost all respect as I grew and realised and learned?
Children are not stupid. They don't know anything because they're learning. And as adults, we should be the ones who guide, teach, nurture and love them. It's our responsibility to protect them and to treat them as children. We should not be exposing them to people or things who are toxic to their development. Adults who claim to be grown up and mature are actually the ones robbing them of their childhood.
It's a pity when you see adults who should be the responsible ones are actually the ones who are acting more like a child then the child itself. It's worse when you see the children try and be as grown up as they can, but when you actually look at them, you see that they don't really understand what is going on. They're just playing along to please the adults. If they don't, they get teased mercilessly and there's no one there to defend them.
What I've learnt from this is to stay away. And to one day keep my own children from people who will be toxic to their health. I want my children to have a childhood. I want them to play, learn and live like a child. Like I did. I don't want them to feel like they have to act like something they're not. Or that they have to behave a certain way just to be accepted. Especially with their own families.
Treat children like children. Don't laugh at them when they ask something. Especially not when they make a mistake. Because if you do, the next time something happens to them, you'll be the last person they turn to.
I feel sorry for children who are forced to grow up faster than they should. Sorry that they get mocked for liking things that may be deemed 'childish'. Sorry that they get laughed at when they're doing something they truly enjoy. Sorry that they're being called stupid and idiot and other names that they shouldn't even know yet, let alone be called.
I remember when I was a hormonal 17-year-old. I couldn't control my emotions and I couldn't help some of the things I did or said. There was one particular thing about that age that I remember though. It was during the time of month where I really should have been locked up in a room for at least a week. I asked someone why kids are so stupid, why they don't know anything and why they're always asking questions. This person laughed and agreed. Did I mention that this person is older and should have known better? This person should have set an example or taught me children don't know anything and are always asking questions. Did I also mention that I have since lost all respect as I grew and realised and learned?
Children are not stupid. They don't know anything because they're learning. And as adults, we should be the ones who guide, teach, nurture and love them. It's our responsibility to protect them and to treat them as children. We should not be exposing them to people or things who are toxic to their development. Adults who claim to be grown up and mature are actually the ones robbing them of their childhood.
It's a pity when you see adults who should be the responsible ones are actually the ones who are acting more like a child then the child itself. It's worse when you see the children try and be as grown up as they can, but when you actually look at them, you see that they don't really understand what is going on. They're just playing along to please the adults. If they don't, they get teased mercilessly and there's no one there to defend them.
What I've learnt from this is to stay away. And to one day keep my own children from people who will be toxic to their health. I want my children to have a childhood. I want them to play, learn and live like a child. Like I did. I don't want them to feel like they have to act like something they're not. Or that they have to behave a certain way just to be accepted. Especially with their own families.
Treat children like children. Don't laugh at them when they ask something. Especially not when they make a mistake. Because if you do, the next time something happens to them, you'll be the last person they turn to.
Friday, April 9, 2010
Tiring
Friday, 9 April 2010 @ 6.30pm
I'm not a mind reader and I don't have supernatural powers. Yes, I may always look and act strong but with you...all it takes is one word for me to just feel weak.
I don't know what mood you're in, especially when I'm calling you. Do you think I have supernatural powers to be able to know how you're feeling?
Why is it I always have to be considerate of YOUR feelings? I feel like I'm walking on eggshells. I wrong step and BAM! Out comes the asshole. Yes, asshole. In denial. An egotistic asshole.
You mock my work and disregard it as though it's nothing. I work my ass off and with one wave of a hand or gesture...that's all it takes to make me feel as big as an ant.
So thank you for making me feel like a worthless piece of nothing who can never do anything to please you. And thank you for never being grateful for anything that I've done for you.
Why do I (and why should I) bother to continue doing so much for you? Why do I continue to slave away just to make sure that I take care of your feelings? You never do the same for me.
Why should I even bother telling you how I feel? All I get in return is a blank face or stare. Why do I keep trying to do things to impress you?
Because I love you and because I care. It's not always good. But it's so easy to keep it from being bad. But why should I bother even opening my mouth? One word of truth and there it goes again.
It gets tiring to have to be strong all the time. To have to play a part at every single minute of my life. I can't even get a moment's peace during my lunch hour.
It gets tiring to come home and still have to continue a fake exterior when all you want to do is just watch TV in a quiet environment or read a book without being questioned what I'm doing.
And believe you me, it's getting extremely tiring always having to please you all the time. I thought it was about give and take. And I know you're going to deny all this and say you do give and take and you are fair and you do listen.
But you're too caught up in your own world. Don't even bother reading this. Cause you're just going to blame me and my emotions anyway.
I'm not a mind reader and I don't have supernatural powers. Yes, I may always look and act strong but with you...all it takes is one word for me to just feel weak.
I don't know what mood you're in, especially when I'm calling you. Do you think I have supernatural powers to be able to know how you're feeling?
Why is it I always have to be considerate of YOUR feelings? I feel like I'm walking on eggshells. I wrong step and BAM! Out comes the asshole. Yes, asshole. In denial. An egotistic asshole.
You mock my work and disregard it as though it's nothing. I work my ass off and with one wave of a hand or gesture...that's all it takes to make me feel as big as an ant.
So thank you for making me feel like a worthless piece of nothing who can never do anything to please you. And thank you for never being grateful for anything that I've done for you.
Why do I (and why should I) bother to continue doing so much for you? Why do I continue to slave away just to make sure that I take care of your feelings? You never do the same for me.
Why should I even bother telling you how I feel? All I get in return is a blank face or stare. Why do I keep trying to do things to impress you?
Because I love you and because I care. It's not always good. But it's so easy to keep it from being bad. But why should I bother even opening my mouth? One word of truth and there it goes again.
It gets tiring to have to be strong all the time. To have to play a part at every single minute of my life. I can't even get a moment's peace during my lunch hour.
It gets tiring to come home and still have to continue a fake exterior when all you want to do is just watch TV in a quiet environment or read a book without being questioned what I'm doing.
And believe you me, it's getting extremely tiring always having to please you all the time. I thought it was about give and take. And I know you're going to deny all this and say you do give and take and you are fair and you do listen.
But you're too caught up in your own world. Don't even bother reading this. Cause you're just going to blame me and my emotions anyway.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)