Wednesday, February 10, 2010


Wednesday, 10 February 2010 @ 6.04pm

I used to be so good three years ago. I used to have a lot of strong points. I used to be independent and reliable. I used to be everyone's shoulder, arm, extension, person to lean on. I used to be able to separate my different worlds. I used to be able to handle all the stress. I used to be able to handle whatever was thrown at me. Not anymore...

Maybe it's the wedding. Maybe it's the lack of support. Maybe it's this heavy weight in my heart that I'v been keeping. Maybe it's everything. Maybe it's nothing. Maybe I just need a holiday. Maybe I need to re-asess my priorities. Maybe I need to re-identify what's important and what's not. But how do I do that when everything seems to be important?

I need to focus on Trix to avoid anymore major mistakes. I need to focus on Get Crafty to get the new outlet up and running. I need to focus on my wedding. I need to focus on people who mean something to me. I need to focus on people who are depending on me to help them. But when do I focus on me?

No, that's just an excuse. Stop making excuses. That's all I'm good for now, and all I've been good for God knows how long. The seven months that I long to forget and block out of my mind broke my spirit. It took from me all I had and all I've got, and I don't know how to get it back. I don't know when I'll have the time to get it back.

It's not fair to those who depend on me. It's not fair to those who have placed their trust in the person who was once so good and so dependable. It's not fair to those I've made a commitment. It's not fair to those I've made promises to.

I need an escape. I don't need your advice. I don't need to hear what you have to say. Because I've already heard it all before, and I've already been telling myself the same thing. I just need to get away. I need to go on my lone drives again. I need to go to the gym again. I need to have those quiet days alone again.

Please give me the strength to go through these next few months.
Please give me the support I need to gather this strength.
Please give me the help you know I will never ask for.
Please forgive me for all the mistakes I've made, and the carelessness that has caused all this trouble.
Please let me go back to how I used to be.