Saturday, May 29, 2010
Push
I think I've tried my best. I've done all and more for you. I'm here for you whenever you need me, but you seem to even want me around you. Do you feel like I'm forcing you to stay? Do you just want to go away? Whatever it is, can you not just push me away? I thought you had me and I had you. But now I really don't know what to say.
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
Strong
Wednesday, 19 May 2010 @ 7.15pm
How am I supposed to be strong? Am I meant to be strong for everyone? Who's going to be strong for me? How am I supposed to share if I'm expected to carry the weight of the world on my shoulders. I was strong when I knew you were to back me up. I felt invincible because I knew all I had to do is turn around and you'd be there. Now I don't know who's there anymore...
Stop crying, they say. You're a strong girl. You'll get through this. You can do it. You're built to be strong. Strong, strong, strong, strong, strong. Fuck you. How the fuck am I supposed to always be strong? Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. And fuck you too.
Do you know what it's like to always be strong? To always have to have a facade on? To be everyone's mama, everyone's sister, everyone's everything? And the one time I need you, you tell me to just be strong because I'm built that way?
Do you know that I have to build a wall around my heart to keep this facade up? Do you know that I have to keep up this fake smile and fake warm exterior when all I want to do is just curl up and cry? What's the point of talking to anyone if all they ask, no, tell me, to do is be strong?
What if, just this one time, I want to be weak? I want to be helpless? I want you to be strong for me?
I guess that's not happening.
So that's that. Strong it shall be.
How am I supposed to be strong? Am I meant to be strong for everyone? Who's going to be strong for me? How am I supposed to share if I'm expected to carry the weight of the world on my shoulders. I was strong when I knew you were to back me up. I felt invincible because I knew all I had to do is turn around and you'd be there. Now I don't know who's there anymore...
Stop crying, they say. You're a strong girl. You'll get through this. You can do it. You're built to be strong. Strong, strong, strong, strong, strong. Fuck you. How the fuck am I supposed to always be strong? Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. And fuck you too.
Do you know what it's like to always be strong? To always have to have a facade on? To be everyone's mama, everyone's sister, everyone's everything? And the one time I need you, you tell me to just be strong because I'm built that way?
Do you know that I have to build a wall around my heart to keep this facade up? Do you know that I have to keep up this fake smile and fake warm exterior when all I want to do is just curl up and cry? What's the point of talking to anyone if all they ask, no, tell me, to do is be strong?
What if, just this one time, I want to be weak? I want to be helpless? I want you to be strong for me?
I guess that's not happening.
So that's that. Strong it shall be.
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
Toxic
Wednesday, 19 May 2010 @ 9.19am
There are certain things in life you cannot control. Even more so, certain people. To not have anybody supporting me is a norm. Which is why I've built a strong, confident outlook. And which is also why I choose to work as hard as I do. There are so many people who do not understand me (or who choose not to) and there are plenty of others who are in the same shoes as myself. But there are also that certain few who think they know it all. You know the kind. They read a chapter (and maybe not even the full one) on a subject they don't even know and think that they know more than someone who's lived forty over years making a career out of that subject.
I usually don't let cocky, arrogant bastards bother me and my life. Hey, I sometimes get a laugh or two out of their actions. But it's when they push that limit and go the extra mile...that's when it pisses me off. But someone once told me that these people who are out to hurt people are usually hurt souls themselves.
No, I'm not going to go on saying that I feel sorry for such bastards. Or that I understand. I'll just say that there are plenty of things I cannot control, and plenty of things I must learn to handle.
It's easy how these very same people dare to preach what they think is right when they forget that they themselves were in the same position that they're speaking so highly of. It's these contradicting dickheads that at the end of the day (even after a long one that involves many tears shed), that I end up having the most entertainment out of. It's not everyday that you run into people who think so highly of themselves even though you know they don't even dare have dinner alone downstairs :) See? Entertainment already.
But I'm under pressure now. A lot of fucking pressure. I highly DO NOT recommend people who are setting up a kindergarten to also plan for their own wedding. I also highly DO NOT recommend people to open their newly set-up kindy a few days apart from their wedding. It's a lot of fucking pressure. Trust me on this.
I've decided to take the high road and do what I have to do. People were always warning me that my engagement period is always the toughest. And that there are so many tests that I will have to face and overcome. This is definitely one of many tests I foresee. But it's happened, I'm over it, and it's time to move on.
By the way, don't expect me to play happy families for the sake of having a 'happy' facade. I really don't give a flying fuck if it may seem childish or immature or if I'm not smiling for the camera, but I've got my own life to lead and my own problems to face. I don't need people who I hardly speak to to try and dictate my life. Here's a suggestion: try to get to know the situation a little better, look at yourself in the mirror before you try and preach about what you think is right and stay out of my life. Have I ever bothered yours?
And once again, after many, many times of saying this: this is my blog. No one put a gun to your head to read it. So if you feel offended, then yes, it was most likely about you. And if it bothers you so much, here's another suggestion: stop reading it.
Peace.
There are certain things in life you cannot control. Even more so, certain people. To not have anybody supporting me is a norm. Which is why I've built a strong, confident outlook. And which is also why I choose to work as hard as I do. There are so many people who do not understand me (or who choose not to) and there are plenty of others who are in the same shoes as myself. But there are also that certain few who think they know it all. You know the kind. They read a chapter (and maybe not even the full one) on a subject they don't even know and think that they know more than someone who's lived forty over years making a career out of that subject.
I usually don't let cocky, arrogant bastards bother me and my life. Hey, I sometimes get a laugh or two out of their actions. But it's when they push that limit and go the extra mile...that's when it pisses me off. But someone once told me that these people who are out to hurt people are usually hurt souls themselves.
No, I'm not going to go on saying that I feel sorry for such bastards. Or that I understand. I'll just say that there are plenty of things I cannot control, and plenty of things I must learn to handle.
It's easy how these very same people dare to preach what they think is right when they forget that they themselves were in the same position that they're speaking so highly of. It's these contradicting dickheads that at the end of the day (even after a long one that involves many tears shed), that I end up having the most entertainment out of. It's not everyday that you run into people who think so highly of themselves even though you know they don't even dare have dinner alone downstairs :) See? Entertainment already.
But I'm under pressure now. A lot of fucking pressure. I highly DO NOT recommend people who are setting up a kindergarten to also plan for their own wedding. I also highly DO NOT recommend people to open their newly set-up kindy a few days apart from their wedding. It's a lot of fucking pressure. Trust me on this.
I've decided to take the high road and do what I have to do. People were always warning me that my engagement period is always the toughest. And that there are so many tests that I will have to face and overcome. This is definitely one of many tests I foresee. But it's happened, I'm over it, and it's time to move on.
By the way, don't expect me to play happy families for the sake of having a 'happy' facade. I really don't give a flying fuck if it may seem childish or immature or if I'm not smiling for the camera, but I've got my own life to lead and my own problems to face. I don't need people who I hardly speak to to try and dictate my life. Here's a suggestion: try to get to know the situation a little better, look at yourself in the mirror before you try and preach about what you think is right and stay out of my life. Have I ever bothered yours?
And once again, after many, many times of saying this: this is my blog. No one put a gun to your head to read it. So if you feel offended, then yes, it was most likely about you. And if it bothers you so much, here's another suggestion: stop reading it.
Peace.
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