Tuesday, 30 December 2008 @ 12.54am
Tonight I had the most fun and laughter than I had put together all my major events in this whole year. Since it was a public holiday, I was working at Get Crafty. It was an incredibly bad day with only around six students sigining in. It was an incredibly slow day.
At the end of the day, we'd decided to play Monopoly. Aya had brought her Powerpuff Girls Monopoly set and had been urging us the whole day to play. We finally started after we closed shop at 8pm. There were four of us playing - Aiza, Martha, Myra and me. Aya was the banker.
By 10pm, I was winning the bulk of the money. I'd built a row of houses on a stretch of road where they had to pay me either $700 or $875 a piece. Whenever I saw any of their pieces going near my houses, I'd count the number of spots it would take for them to land on my property and chant the magic number as they rolled the dice. Eight out of ten times... it landed on my property! Ahahahaha....
We were all laughing so much that by the 11pm, although I'd made the three of them declare bankcrupty (I know I spelt that wrong), our cheeks were hurting from all the laughing and we had tears running down our swollen cheeks. Martha even dropped a chair and doubled over on the floor laughing so much...
I'd never had any luck playing Monopoly. I always lost money or landed on all the shitty and cheap property. But tonight, I striked gold and took a risk by putting the bulk of my money into building houses and a skyscraper. That was definitely a smart move :)
I remember the last time I laughed as much or as hard was a good four or five years ago. We were all at a friend's restaurant and had an impromptu game of charades. The night ended at about 4am. Tonight, it was an impromptu game of Monopoly that ended in LOTS of laughter and fun, along with my winning more than 10k :)
I highly recommend those who have had an extremely long, tiring and testing year to just relieve yourselves and have fun through a fun game of Monopoly. It will definitely get your heart pumping and your stress and worries off your minds. It definitely put a huge grin on my face that refuses to go away - even with my cheeks pounding in pain :)
Monday, December 29, 2008
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
What did you do this year?
Wednesday, 24 December 2008 @ 12.31pm
January
I got my bonus. To celebrate, I went out with Steph to a place called Michelangelo's in Pavilion. I met Eddie :)
February
I went on a holiday with my WHOLE family to Langkawi. I only started realising that I was falling for Eddie when I returned from the trip.
March
13 March - Eddie's birthday. We went to Secret Recipe at Ampang Point. This was also the first time I met his sisters.
April
12 April - Steph and Dad's birthday. We had a BBQ at Dad's place. I remember Steph picked me up after my work at Get Crafty and told me that her sister was at the party. I said, "what sister?" Her reply, "I know!" An extremely emotional night - long lost family members turning up. Dad was happy. So was Steph.
May
I was getting closer to Eddie. I was working more at Get Crafty - on both Saturday and Sunday. I was tired and grumpy and angry a lot of the time. So I quit Get Crafty.
June
The best 24th birthday I could ask for. The night before my birthday was my official last day at Get Crafty. I stayed till 10pm with Zaza making craft. When I reached home, there was a pile of gifts on my bed. The best of the bunch was a 'painting' that held 24 chinese spoons with a small plate in the middle, symbolising my age (duh). An awesome and thoughtful gift from Papa.
On my birthday, Eddie met my family. A few weeks after that, he took me back to Teluk Intan for his sister's engagement. A very eventful month indeed.
July
A tough time. A transition. A decision.
Eddie and I were in the midst of finding new jobs. I wanted a job that could pay me what I knew I was worth. Eddie wanted a job that he knew he was worth doing.
Days were spent looking through classifieds and applying. Sending out resumes and getting call backs.
August
I got my call back from Mega Ads. She offered me the job. I started this blog.
31 August - Merdeka. It was also the day I gave my resignation letter at Trix.
Eddie started working at Dome.
September
Bulan Ramadhan. This was when I realised that I would have no worries about my children learning about my religion. This was when I realised that I would have no worries asking or learning about my own religion. Because Eddie was there. He'd gone to an Islamic school and was instilled in him all that was needed to know about Islam.
October
Bulan Syawal = War, Love, Peace, Harmony.
This blog caused a stir. Arguments were carried out. I was forced into writing an apology on my blog. Did I do it? Hell no. Like I've said before, if everything that I write in my blog hurts your feelings, stop reading it.
Eddie brought me back to Teluk Intan. I learned tradition and humility. I learned forgiveness and togetherness.
I learned that nothing I could do or say would please certain people. So I decided to focus on my career. I decided to pull away and do whatever I could to succeed in life - at least at a place where you're not always a disappointment and not everything you do is wrong or a subject for an argument.
I became a Board of Director for Kostari. And I joined back Get Crafty.
November
I started work at Mega Ads. It was a major adjustment. I'd become an AE. A step down from what I was at Trix. But this is where I learnt that I did a hell of a good job at Trix. Clients were calling and SMS-ing me. Mr L wrote me a great recommendation letter. I'd discovered that I was valued there and created some sort of an impact.
Eddie and I went to Trolak for Baiti's wedding. Ayah wanted to meet Papa. I made no promises.
I experienced my first death when Dad passed away.
I decided that I want to marry Eddie. When? I dunno. We're saving money as I type this. A wedding, and a house, and babies and what not cost A LOT of money. (Donations of any kind are most welcome :))
December
So far, my busiest month of the year. Since day one, I hadn't had an off day till 26 December. And that's the day after tomorrow.
Eddie's sister got married and my position was finally established by all family members. I presented Kostari to prospective sponsors.
Eddie and I bought insurance. One more step towards financial stability - hopefully. Plus, as of January 2009, we'll be covered medically. Woohoo!
2008
Looking back, it's been a good year. Things are finally falling into place. Work is getting stable (although I still hate what I'm doing full-time, I'm learning to adjust and accept that I am an AE). I've come to be known as the 'inevitable part-timer' at Get Crafty, which I love. And I'm doing something good with Kostari (we're trying to help orphans - what have you done to help others lately?)
I've also met someone who I believe complements me well. Who works well with me and who knows how to handle me. Who accepts me for who I am and is working all the time to reach our goal.
I've discovered I have amazing friends who I can depend on. Those who are there for the good and the bad, the sad and the painful, and the happy and the angry. Friends who will stay up till 3am and accompany you at your office on a Sunday night so you won't be alone. Friends who would rush from the other side of town just to give you a hug. Friends who are willing to meet you and give you whatever type of support they can just to show they care.
Yes, it's been a good year. Let's just hope that 2009 can offer us all this and more.
January
I got my bonus. To celebrate, I went out with Steph to a place called Michelangelo's in Pavilion. I met Eddie :)
February
I went on a holiday with my WHOLE family to Langkawi. I only started realising that I was falling for Eddie when I returned from the trip.
March
13 March - Eddie's birthday. We went to Secret Recipe at Ampang Point. This was also the first time I met his sisters.
April
12 April - Steph and Dad's birthday. We had a BBQ at Dad's place. I remember Steph picked me up after my work at Get Crafty and told me that her sister was at the party. I said, "what sister?" Her reply, "I know!" An extremely emotional night - long lost family members turning up. Dad was happy. So was Steph.
May
I was getting closer to Eddie. I was working more at Get Crafty - on both Saturday and Sunday. I was tired and grumpy and angry a lot of the time. So I quit Get Crafty.
June
The best 24th birthday I could ask for. The night before my birthday was my official last day at Get Crafty. I stayed till 10pm with Zaza making craft. When I reached home, there was a pile of gifts on my bed. The best of the bunch was a 'painting' that held 24 chinese spoons with a small plate in the middle, symbolising my age (duh). An awesome and thoughtful gift from Papa.
On my birthday, Eddie met my family. A few weeks after that, he took me back to Teluk Intan for his sister's engagement. A very eventful month indeed.
July
A tough time. A transition. A decision.
Eddie and I were in the midst of finding new jobs. I wanted a job that could pay me what I knew I was worth. Eddie wanted a job that he knew he was worth doing.
Days were spent looking through classifieds and applying. Sending out resumes and getting call backs.
August
I got my call back from Mega Ads. She offered me the job. I started this blog.
31 August - Merdeka. It was also the day I gave my resignation letter at Trix.
Eddie started working at Dome.
September
Bulan Ramadhan. This was when I realised that I would have no worries about my children learning about my religion. This was when I realised that I would have no worries asking or learning about my own religion. Because Eddie was there. He'd gone to an Islamic school and was instilled in him all that was needed to know about Islam.
October
Bulan Syawal = War, Love, Peace, Harmony.
This blog caused a stir. Arguments were carried out. I was forced into writing an apology on my blog. Did I do it? Hell no. Like I've said before, if everything that I write in my blog hurts your feelings, stop reading it.
Eddie brought me back to Teluk Intan. I learned tradition and humility. I learned forgiveness and togetherness.
I learned that nothing I could do or say would please certain people. So I decided to focus on my career. I decided to pull away and do whatever I could to succeed in life - at least at a place where you're not always a disappointment and not everything you do is wrong or a subject for an argument.
I became a Board of Director for Kostari. And I joined back Get Crafty.
November
I started work at Mega Ads. It was a major adjustment. I'd become an AE. A step down from what I was at Trix. But this is where I learnt that I did a hell of a good job at Trix. Clients were calling and SMS-ing me. Mr L wrote me a great recommendation letter. I'd discovered that I was valued there and created some sort of an impact.
Eddie and I went to Trolak for Baiti's wedding. Ayah wanted to meet Papa. I made no promises.
I experienced my first death when Dad passed away.
I decided that I want to marry Eddie. When? I dunno. We're saving money as I type this. A wedding, and a house, and babies and what not cost A LOT of money. (Donations of any kind are most welcome :))
December
So far, my busiest month of the year. Since day one, I hadn't had an off day till 26 December. And that's the day after tomorrow.
Eddie's sister got married and my position was finally established by all family members. I presented Kostari to prospective sponsors.
Eddie and I bought insurance. One more step towards financial stability - hopefully. Plus, as of January 2009, we'll be covered medically. Woohoo!
2008
Looking back, it's been a good year. Things are finally falling into place. Work is getting stable (although I still hate what I'm doing full-time, I'm learning to adjust and accept that I am an AE). I've come to be known as the 'inevitable part-timer' at Get Crafty, which I love. And I'm doing something good with Kostari (we're trying to help orphans - what have you done to help others lately?)
I've also met someone who I believe complements me well. Who works well with me and who knows how to handle me. Who accepts me for who I am and is working all the time to reach our goal.
I've discovered I have amazing friends who I can depend on. Those who are there for the good and the bad, the sad and the painful, and the happy and the angry. Friends who will stay up till 3am and accompany you at your office on a Sunday night so you won't be alone. Friends who would rush from the other side of town just to give you a hug. Friends who are willing to meet you and give you whatever type of support they can just to show they care.
Yes, it's been a good year. Let's just hope that 2009 can offer us all this and more.
Monday, December 22, 2008
Is it wrong?
Monday, 22 December 2008 @ 6.17pm
Is it wrong to have feelings? Is it wrong to feel disappointed? Is it wrong to want to try and spend whatever little time is available with you? Is it wrong that I feel a little down for not being able to see you tonight?
Yes, I remember what we spoke about the other night. Yes, it was me who said we should do as we agreed. Yes, it was also me who's been the so-called understanding one.
I've decided to concentrate on my work. I've decided to focus on my career. I've decided that I won't care if I don't get to spend so much time with you anymore. I've decided to pursue every free moment of my time doing another job, not even bothering to make time on your off day.
Call me needy if you want. Clingy. But really? Is that fair? How often do I call you? Once? Twice a day? Is that too clingy? Is it wrong that I want to spend time with you? That I look forward to our nights out? Our rare moments of free time together that's not spent with our friends or in the company of our families? I've asked you once, twice, thrice...when was the last time it was just you and me? Do I have to beg you for time? Is it really wrong for me to want to spend what little free time I have with you? How often do I even see you? Think about it.
Yes, it's selfish. Yes, it's not fair. But no, I don't think it's unfair. I'm just doing what you're doing.
Is it wrong to have feelings? Is it wrong to feel disappointed? Is it wrong to want to try and spend whatever little time is available with you? Is it wrong that I feel a little down for not being able to see you tonight?
Yes, I remember what we spoke about the other night. Yes, it was me who said we should do as we agreed. Yes, it was also me who's been the so-called understanding one.
I've decided to concentrate on my work. I've decided to focus on my career. I've decided that I won't care if I don't get to spend so much time with you anymore. I've decided to pursue every free moment of my time doing another job, not even bothering to make time on your off day.
Call me needy if you want. Clingy. But really? Is that fair? How often do I call you? Once? Twice a day? Is that too clingy? Is it wrong that I want to spend time with you? That I look forward to our nights out? Our rare moments of free time together that's not spent with our friends or in the company of our families? I've asked you once, twice, thrice...when was the last time it was just you and me? Do I have to beg you for time? Is it really wrong for me to want to spend what little free time I have with you? How often do I even see you? Think about it.
Yes, it's selfish. Yes, it's not fair. But no, I don't think it's unfair. I'm just doing what you're doing.
Sunday, December 21, 2008
Advertising
Monday, 22 December, 1.28am
I'm in the office. Yes. It's 1.28am and I'm in the office. Before this I complained that I had to finish work at 10pm. Tonight, I came in after midnight and I'm now waiting for the art director to finish doing the mock up for me to present to client tomorrow morning. At 9am. In Damasara Jaya. Yes, advertising is fucking great.
I'm in the office. Yes. It's 1.28am and I'm in the office. Before this I complained that I had to finish work at 10pm. Tonight, I came in after midnight and I'm now waiting for the art director to finish doing the mock up for me to present to client tomorrow morning. At 9am. In Damasara Jaya. Yes, advertising is fucking great.
Thursday, December 18, 2008
Useless (but interesting) info
Friday, 19 December 2008 @ 11.04am
Yes! It's Friday! Finally...My boss is not in yet and the other AE has gone out for a meeting. I could actually sneak to do some Kostari work now but tonight is also our Annual Dinner. Everyone is in party mood. Plus, there's a theme. Everyone has to wear a school uniform. No one is in the mood to work and everyone is in the mood to visit each other's cubicles to check out what they're wearing. No way can I risk doing Kostari.
Last night I searched high and low for something uniform-y to wear today. My back-up plan is to wear my white dress that sort of looks like a pinafore with a black collar shirt underneath. Seeking my sister and her children's help last night, they gave me my nieces actual school pinafore to wear. I thought there's no way that I can actually fit into an 11-year-old's uniform. WRONG! Not only did it fit...it was loose! Hahahaha! But! Her name is on it and so is her school logo. No way am I wearing that for the day... so I'm now wearing the white dress with black shirt underneath. And... I've been called a nurse >(
Hehehehe... anyway... in this dress and with everyone in party mode, no way am I doing any work either. So I decided to surf the web for some useless, but nonetheless interesting, information I could find that's related to me. So here's what I found (courtesy of yahoo.com):
Are Hands the Blueprint of Our Destiny?
Water
long, sometimes oval-shaped palms with long fingers
soft, damp skin
lots of fine lines, often unclear
Water hands belong to emotional, creative, and introverted types who are sensitive and perceptive. They can be vulnerable and a bit naïve. They tend to be quiet and make decisions based on gut feelings.
Can Blood Type Determine Your Personality?
Type A
Type As may seem calm on the outside, but inside, you’re filled with anxiety and worry. You’re perfectionists and often shy and sensitive. Usually introverted, you’re stable and thoughtful. You make good listeners and are sensitive to color and your surroundings. You like to be fashionable and are up on the latest trends, but never flashy or gaudy. You like romantic settings and often shun reality for fantasy worlds. A is most compatible with A and AB in the love department.
Common career choices: accountant, librarian, economist, writer, computer programmer, and gossip columnist.
Hmm... does any of the above information ring true? Maybe just the ones that I bolded :)
Yes! It's Friday! Finally...My boss is not in yet and the other AE has gone out for a meeting. I could actually sneak to do some Kostari work now but tonight is also our Annual Dinner. Everyone is in party mood. Plus, there's a theme. Everyone has to wear a school uniform. No one is in the mood to work and everyone is in the mood to visit each other's cubicles to check out what they're wearing. No way can I risk doing Kostari.
Last night I searched high and low for something uniform-y to wear today. My back-up plan is to wear my white dress that sort of looks like a pinafore with a black collar shirt underneath. Seeking my sister and her children's help last night, they gave me my nieces actual school pinafore to wear. I thought there's no way that I can actually fit into an 11-year-old's uniform. WRONG! Not only did it fit...it was loose! Hahahaha! But! Her name is on it and so is her school logo. No way am I wearing that for the day... so I'm now wearing the white dress with black shirt underneath. And... I've been called a nurse >(
Hehehehe... anyway... in this dress and with everyone in party mode, no way am I doing any work either. So I decided to surf the web for some useless, but nonetheless interesting, information I could find that's related to me. So here's what I found (courtesy of yahoo.com):
Are Hands the Blueprint of Our Destiny?
Water
long, sometimes oval-shaped palms with long fingers
soft, damp skin
lots of fine lines, often unclear
Water hands belong to emotional, creative, and introverted types who are sensitive and perceptive. They can be vulnerable and a bit naïve. They tend to be quiet and make decisions based on gut feelings.
Can Blood Type Determine Your Personality?
Type A
Type As may seem calm on the outside, but inside, you’re filled with anxiety and worry. You’re perfectionists and often shy and sensitive. Usually introverted, you’re stable and thoughtful. You make good listeners and are sensitive to color and your surroundings. You like to be fashionable and are up on the latest trends, but never flashy or gaudy. You like romantic settings and often shun reality for fantasy worlds. A is most compatible with A and AB in the love department.
Common career choices: accountant, librarian, economist, writer, computer programmer, and gossip columnist.
Hmm... does any of the above information ring true? Maybe just the ones that I bolded :)
Life's a Bitch
Thursday, 18 December 2008 @ 6.57pm
I need a cigarette. I'm dying. I feel like everyone wants a piece of me.
I quit about three months into my relationship with Eddie. I'd been smoking since I was about 17. I decided to quit because it got to a point where I was smoking so much that I felt like vomiting by 11am. I hated the smell. In the afternoons, it made me dizzy. But after lunch...ahhh...
I haven't had a craving since...wow...I don't remember. But I remember I was sitting at a mamak with Eddie and I took one of his sticks and lit up. After a few puffs I put it out because I didn't want it anymore.I felt disgusted.
Today...is not a good day. I woke up with a sacrifice on my mind. A sadness and numbness that's so new but so real and so justifiably fair. I hate that I was the one who realised it. Yuck. Why must I suddenly grow a conscience? Coming into the office, it was chaos. I'd miss my big meeting yesterday evening and everyone was updating and questioning. On the table behind me, the newspapers were as tall as my legs.
By lunch time, my fingers were covered in carbon with my frantically looking through all the papers for ads that were worthy of cutting out and filing. I was cold, stressed and being pulled at every free chance by every living soul in the office.
At 3.30pm, I got an earful from a client who continues to blame the agency for being slow in delivering our copy and visual. Fuck you, bitch. You didn't follow the fucking schedule. And me, being the ever responsible AE, listened, apologised and used the standard and well-known phrase by AEs the world over - "I'll check and get back to you." As I walked into L's office for a meeting, the fucking bitch called L to complain. I got the bear of the brunt. Luckily, V and N came to my defense. They knew what was going on.
I left L's office thinking, "what else could go wrong?" Missed calls and an SMS oon my phone reminding me of work that's still to be done for Kostari. I sat down and put my head in my hands. This was the moment I so craved for a cigarette.
When I was working at Trix - especially during our peak periods - I used to practically count down the minutes before 1pm. The first drag was all it took to life that burden from my shoulders. When I had to stay back in the office, there were times I'd go down at 6.30pm, have a few quick puffs and rush back up to work.
Today, I was even thinking of ways to get a cigarette. I didn't want to buy a pack. Number 1, they're fucking expensive now. Number 2, I'd never finish it. Number 3, Eddie wouldn't be too pleased. I was even close to going to J in the next cubicle to steal one of his sticks.
Luckily, a few banter emails back and forth with K and the craving went away. K and I were sarcastically complementing our clients love and praise for the agency. Notice the sarcasm?
*Sigh* Life's a bitch. It keeps moving on. Even if you just want it all to stop. Evev for just 5 minutes.
I need a cigarette. I'm dying. I feel like everyone wants a piece of me.
I quit about three months into my relationship with Eddie. I'd been smoking since I was about 17. I decided to quit because it got to a point where I was smoking so much that I felt like vomiting by 11am. I hated the smell. In the afternoons, it made me dizzy. But after lunch...ahhh...
I haven't had a craving since...wow...I don't remember. But I remember I was sitting at a mamak with Eddie and I took one of his sticks and lit up. After a few puffs I put it out because I didn't want it anymore.I felt disgusted.
Today...is not a good day. I woke up with a sacrifice on my mind. A sadness and numbness that's so new but so real and so justifiably fair. I hate that I was the one who realised it. Yuck. Why must I suddenly grow a conscience? Coming into the office, it was chaos. I'd miss my big meeting yesterday evening and everyone was updating and questioning. On the table behind me, the newspapers were as tall as my legs.
By lunch time, my fingers were covered in carbon with my frantically looking through all the papers for ads that were worthy of cutting out and filing. I was cold, stressed and being pulled at every free chance by every living soul in the office.
At 3.30pm, I got an earful from a client who continues to blame the agency for being slow in delivering our copy and visual. Fuck you, bitch. You didn't follow the fucking schedule. And me, being the ever responsible AE, listened, apologised and used the standard and well-known phrase by AEs the world over - "I'll check and get back to you." As I walked into L's office for a meeting, the fucking bitch called L to complain. I got the bear of the brunt. Luckily, V and N came to my defense. They knew what was going on.
I left L's office thinking, "what else could go wrong?" Missed calls and an SMS oon my phone reminding me of work that's still to be done for Kostari. I sat down and put my head in my hands. This was the moment I so craved for a cigarette.
When I was working at Trix - especially during our peak periods - I used to practically count down the minutes before 1pm. The first drag was all it took to life that burden from my shoulders. When I had to stay back in the office, there were times I'd go down at 6.30pm, have a few quick puffs and rush back up to work.
Today, I was even thinking of ways to get a cigarette. I didn't want to buy a pack. Number 1, they're fucking expensive now. Number 2, I'd never finish it. Number 3, Eddie wouldn't be too pleased. I was even close to going to J in the next cubicle to steal one of his sticks.
Luckily, a few banter emails back and forth with K and the craving went away. K and I were sarcastically complementing our clients love and praise for the agency. Notice the sarcasm?
*Sigh* Life's a bitch. It keeps moving on. Even if you just want it all to stop. Evev for just 5 minutes.
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
A Sacrifice
Wednesday, 17 December 2008 @ 9.40pm
When we were children, we expected and demanded attention from our parents. When we were teenagers, we then expected attention from our friends. When we become adults, we start expecting attention from the one whom we've chosen to be with.
But what if this person is so intent in marrying you that he's focusing all his time and energy into work? Even if that means working overtime, working all the time, working anytime? Even if it means I never get to see him? Or we only get to meet when there's a pre-determined ocassion? Or if we do meet it's in the company of 25 other people? Or at his work place? Or mine?
What if you're so intent too that you spend all your time working too? To make enough money to survive. To make enough money to save. To make enough money to be 'happy'. What if you're both so focused on the future that you're neglecting the present? Is now important? Should we spend all this time focusing on the future? How are we going to have a future if our foundations now are not being looked after?
I've had this conversation. Too many times. I finally had a realisation tonight. And I've decided to stick to it. After all, love is a sacrifice isn't it?
When we were children, we expected and demanded attention from our parents. When we were teenagers, we then expected attention from our friends. When we become adults, we start expecting attention from the one whom we've chosen to be with.
But what if this person is so intent in marrying you that he's focusing all his time and energy into work? Even if that means working overtime, working all the time, working anytime? Even if it means I never get to see him? Or we only get to meet when there's a pre-determined ocassion? Or if we do meet it's in the company of 25 other people? Or at his work place? Or mine?
What if you're so intent too that you spend all your time working too? To make enough money to survive. To make enough money to save. To make enough money to be 'happy'. What if you're both so focused on the future that you're neglecting the present? Is now important? Should we spend all this time focusing on the future? How are we going to have a future if our foundations now are not being looked after?
I've had this conversation. Too many times. I finally had a realisation tonight. And I've decided to stick to it. After all, love is a sacrifice isn't it?
A few questions that I need to know
how you could ever hurt me so
I need to know what I've done wrong
and how long it's been going on
Was it that I never paid enough attention?
Or did I not give enough affection?
Not only will your answers keep me sane
but I'll know never to make the same mistake again
You can tell me to my face
or even on the phone
You can write it in a letter, either way, I have to know
Did I never treat you right?
Did I always start the fight?
Either way, I'm going out of my mind
all the answers to my questionsI have to find
My head's spinning
Boy, I'm in a daze
I feel isolated
Don't wanna communicate
I'll take a shower,
I will scour
I will rub
To find peace of mind
The happy mind I once owned, yeah
Flexing vocabulary runs right through me
The alphabet runs right from A to Zed
Conversations, hesitations in my mind
You got my conscience asking questions that I can't find
I'm not crazy
I'm sure I ain't done nothing wrong, no
I'm just waiting
'Cause I heard that this feeling won't last that long
Never ever have I ever felt so low
When you gonna take me out of this black hole?
Never ever have I ever felt so sad
The way I'm feeling yeah, you got me feeling really bad
Never ever have I had to find
I've had to dig away to find my own peace of mind
I've Never ever had my conscience to fight
The way I'm feeling, yeah, I just don't feel right
I'll keep searching
Deep within my soul
For all the answers
Don't wanna hurt no more
I need peace, got to feel at ease
Need to be.
Free from pain - going insane
My heart aches, yeah
Sometimes vocabulary runs through my head
The alphabet runs right from A to Zed
Conversations, hesitations in my mind
You got my conscience asking questions that I can't find
I'm not crazy, I'm sure I ain't done nothing wrong
I'm just waiting'
Cause I heard that this feeling won't last that long
Never ever have I ever felt so low
When ya gonna take me out of this black hole?
Never ever have I ever felt so sad
The way I'm feeling yeah, you got me feeling really bad
Never ever have I had to find
I've had to dig away to find my own peace of mind
I've Never ever had my conscience to fight
The way I'm feeling, yeah, I just don't feel right
You can tell me to my face,
You can tell me on the phone,
Uh, You can write it in a letter, babe
'Cause I really need to know
You can write it in a letter, babe
You can write it in a letter, babe
'Never Ever' by All Saints
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
A Coincidence and a Call
Tuesday, 16 December 2008 @ 11.46pm
I started this entry whinging about how tired I am and how hard I'm working, which then lead me to say how my 'outside' life revolves around my working schedule. Then I got bored just writing it. I'm already working as we speak now and writing this entry was supposed to be me taking a breather. So why would I want to talk about work while I'm supposed to be taking a break from work?
A Lucky Coincidence
Yesterday, I received a phone call from this person called Hazel. She said she was from Prudential and wanted to sell me some insurance. I asked her how she got my name and number. She replied saying it's in their database. I figured it's one of two things - my sister once applied and almost got the job so she probably could've filled out my details. And two, my brother's girlfriend works there. Another mighty possibility that my details could've been given then.
During the first call, I was actually interested in buying some insurance - especially health. Eddie and I had been discussing getting some sort of couple insurace package thing for a few months now. But I told her to call me back in the afternoon to discuss details. In the afternoon, she called while I was in a meeting. So I told her to call me back.
It was near evening when she called again. This time, I knew I had to give her some sort of solid answer. She wanted to meet. I told her I'm packed during the day. When she said we could meet on weekends too, I told her I work on weekends too. She asked what I did. I said I teach at a place called Get Crafty in GE Mall. She was quiet for a short while, so I went on to explain the centre. Then she said, "there's one in OU too right?" I said, yeah! That's the one!
The coincidence? Her reply, "I'm S*** W**. I quit about a month ago." My reply? "Hey! I didn't know it's you! We've met a couple of times..." So Hazel turned out to be the teacher who came as a replacement once in a while from the other branch. We started to speak normally by then...no more business talk. But we did finally arrange for a meeting this Saturday. And since she was once a teacher too, I didn't have to explain to her the whole procedure of our break and blah blah blah.
Woohoo! We're finally getting insurance!
A Call
It was 8am and I was extremely blur. I'd set the alarm for 6.45am and placed the phone on the floor in the hopes that I would get up and unpack my stuff before having to go to work. Obviously, my body decided to get up an hour before I was due in to work.
There was an SMS from a unknown number that said, "I'm home." WTF? Usually, I'd reply, "who r u?" or completely ignore it. But for some reason, I decided I'd call and just hear the voice. If I didn't recognise it, I'd hang up. Well, I didn't recognise it.
As I was about to get out of my bed to shower, he called back! I thought, shit. They never call back. So I answered and nonchalantly said, "hello?" He immediately said, "you called?" I was thinking who the f*** re you? But instead said, "who is this?" his reply? "Your ex-boyfriend." Immediately I knew who it was. He was back for the holidays. A three-minute chat and we hung up.
I didn't feel a thing. Just, oh, ok. I always thought if I'd ever see or hear from him again it would stir up some sort of emotions. Instead, I just felt...nothing. When I told Eddie, he felt something though. That was enough to make my day :)
I started this entry whinging about how tired I am and how hard I'm working, which then lead me to say how my 'outside' life revolves around my working schedule. Then I got bored just writing it. I'm already working as we speak now and writing this entry was supposed to be me taking a breather. So why would I want to talk about work while I'm supposed to be taking a break from work?
A Lucky Coincidence
Yesterday, I received a phone call from this person called Hazel. She said she was from Prudential and wanted to sell me some insurance. I asked her how she got my name and number. She replied saying it's in their database. I figured it's one of two things - my sister once applied and almost got the job so she probably could've filled out my details. And two, my brother's girlfriend works there. Another mighty possibility that my details could've been given then.
During the first call, I was actually interested in buying some insurance - especially health. Eddie and I had been discussing getting some sort of couple insurace package thing for a few months now. But I told her to call me back in the afternoon to discuss details. In the afternoon, she called while I was in a meeting. So I told her to call me back.
It was near evening when she called again. This time, I knew I had to give her some sort of solid answer. She wanted to meet. I told her I'm packed during the day. When she said we could meet on weekends too, I told her I work on weekends too. She asked what I did. I said I teach at a place called Get Crafty in GE Mall. She was quiet for a short while, so I went on to explain the centre. Then she said, "there's one in OU too right?" I said, yeah! That's the one!
The coincidence? Her reply, "I'm S*** W**. I quit about a month ago." My reply? "Hey! I didn't know it's you! We've met a couple of times..." So Hazel turned out to be the teacher who came as a replacement once in a while from the other branch. We started to speak normally by then...no more business talk. But we did finally arrange for a meeting this Saturday. And since she was once a teacher too, I didn't have to explain to her the whole procedure of our break and blah blah blah.
Woohoo! We're finally getting insurance!
A Call
It was 8am and I was extremely blur. I'd set the alarm for 6.45am and placed the phone on the floor in the hopes that I would get up and unpack my stuff before having to go to work. Obviously, my body decided to get up an hour before I was due in to work.
There was an SMS from a unknown number that said, "I'm home." WTF? Usually, I'd reply, "who r u?" or completely ignore it. But for some reason, I decided I'd call and just hear the voice. If I didn't recognise it, I'd hang up. Well, I didn't recognise it.
As I was about to get out of my bed to shower, he called back! I thought, shit. They never call back. So I answered and nonchalantly said, "hello?" He immediately said, "you called?" I was thinking who the f*** re you? But instead said, "who is this?" his reply? "Your ex-boyfriend." Immediately I knew who it was. He was back for the holidays. A three-minute chat and we hung up.
I didn't feel a thing. Just, oh, ok. I always thought if I'd ever see or hear from him again it would stir up some sort of emotions. Instead, I just felt...nothing. When I told Eddie, he felt something though. That was enough to make my day :)
Sunday, December 14, 2008
An argument, a wedding, and a few revelations...
Tuesday, 16 December 2008 @ 12.39am
Friday, 12 December 2008
It was about 5.15am. I shivered through my cold shower. It's a good thing I'd already packed all my things two days before. I reached Eddie's place at about 6am. He and Qayum were ready. When Eddie got in the car, I salam him and pulled back immediately instead of the usual hug hello. I was still recovering from our bitter argument the night before. (He'd insisted on driving back to Teluk Intan after he closed shop at 12.30am. I told him no. We fought.)
We drove in silence at first. Then he asked what's wrong. I fired back, "you want to do this in front of Qayum?" His reply, "ignore him. Just talk to me." I just shook my head and kept silent. We stopped to fill up petrol. When Eddie got out, Qayum said, "Relax Na, sekarang ni dia tengah panas. Nanti dia ok la tu." Half an hour into our journey, Eddie held me hand. My hand stayed limp. Qayum was drifting in and out of sleep in the backseat. It took about an hour and a bit before Eddie and I were ok.
We reached Teluk Intan at about 8.30am. But we went straight into town to look for flowers for Imah's wedding, and went to have breakfast first. It was Qayum's first time there, so we were showing him what little sights there were while looking for a place that sold fresh flowers. It was a dark and damp morning. After that, we went to buy Imah's gift - a 47-piece dinnerware set.
We reached Ayah's house at about 11.30am. The house was bustling with people. The women were sitting on the floor outside cutting onions and garlic and chili. The men were setting up the tent. Eddie's family were all assigned jobs and busy working. After the initial hello, we went straight to work. There were 1,800 doorgift bags in the middle of the living room where the TV and sofa should have been. Our first task was to pack up the door gifts and put it in the house next door before packing the remaining of the 3,000 door gifts that were to be prepared.
By 9pm, everyone was settling down. Most of the jobs for the day was done and everyone was beat. I took a shower, changed and went to sleep. And it was because I slept early that I missed everyone using the inai on their fingers :(
Saturday, 13 December 2008
I witnessed my first korban (sacrifice) today. Eddie wanted to see it but had to go and pick up relatives who were arriving from Singapore. While I was busy packing the different door gifts with Maksu and Ijah, Hassan came rushing in, "Kak Anna, Abang Eddie suruh ambik video. Jom!" I took my camera and Hassan drove me to the nearby surau. All of Eddie's cousins (90% of whom are male) were heading off on motorbikes. When we reached, the cow was standing at the corner. It was almost time.
I'd never witnessed one before. Especially not this close. We (me, Eddie's half-sister and all his boy cousins) were crowded at one side waiting for the action to begin. I thought I'd be horrified, by the slaughter or the poor animal grunting and fighting in pain. But surprisingly, I wasn't. Just a little sad for the poor thing. I watched and took photos from when he stood till all that was left was his skin spread out on the ground and his innards laying next to the skin on the ground. A few hours later, I just made a face when Eddie brought me a bowl of sup lembu.
At 6.30pm, I was heading to the room to get ready. To my surprise, Imah was still in the room...not even an inch to being ready. I asked her why she's not getting ready. We had to be at the surau by 7.15pm. She said the make-up lady hadn't arrive. I took a shower. When I came back out, Ijah came to me and said that she was equally horrified when she saw her sister not getting ready yet. After some insistence and phone calls, Imah was in the bilik pengantin getting her face made up.
We were late. I was appointed as Imah's pengapit (did I spell that right?) since her girl cousin who was earlier appointed went MIA. At the surau, I sat with her on one side with all the other women. Every so often, Imah turned and said, "Macam mana ni, Kak Anna? Takut." I had to reassure her a couple of times before she started to calm down a bit. When she was asked to go sit next to Hidayat, she really panicked. She half stood, turned to me and said, "Jom la Kak Anna. Jom la." Half the women were saying follow her, the other half said let her go herself. I looked at Eddie. He was sitting as a witness to the marriage. He gave a slight nod that said, follow her.
It didn't take long. Between Imah panicking and seeing Ayah on the verge of tears, I saw Eddie looking stressed. He wasn't happy and wasn't ready to let his baby sister go. So I decided to smile my biggest smile while Qayum was taking photos. When it was done, Ayah went outside to take a breather. The tears couldn't hold much longer.
The night ended at about 11.30pm when Eddie decided to pass out in front of the TV as the guests were beginning to leave. Instead of staying there that night, I decided to stay at the motel that Ayah rented for his guests. Maksu shared a room and living hall with her husband and son, while I had a room (or bilik bujang) all to myself for the night. Ahhh...I managed to relax alone, take a long, hot bath, watch a bit of TV, charge my laptop, camera and phone. It was definitely a blessing in disguise that there happened to be a spare room for me to rest.
Sunday, 14 December 2008
Family members were all wearing green today, along with green pins to symbolise who the family members were. Guests started coming in the morning. Everyone had their roles to play. The men - Ayah, Paklong, Pak Mamat and Eddie - were greeting the guests. The women were guiding guests into the house or where to sit and eat, and to give the door gifts that we so painfully had to pack for two days.
Twice I was mistaken as the bride. Both times I would immediately say, "Tak, tak, tak. Pengantin ada kat dalam." And immediately Maksu would say, "Ini bakal isteri Zaidi." with that cheeky smile on her face. It didn't take long before everybody knew who I was. Eddie was happy. He was grinning from ear to ear throughout the whole ceremony.
When the ceremony ended and everyone had settled down, the boys were busy cleaning - after Eddie took the initiative to start clearing the tables. I settled down in between Umie and Maksu at the front of the house, having tea and tidbits. When Eddie had finished cleaning, he settled himself in the house and called me in. We finally had some time 'alone' (meaning that everyone was distracted with something else) and just sat and updated each other since we were both busy the whole day. It didn't take long for Paklong to come and joke around with us. It was also that moment that he took the opportunity to tell me that he has fully accepted me as one of his anak buah and understands why we've chosen to wait.
Eddie was grinning from ear to ear. Although there's picture proof during the actual akad nikah that shows Eddie's obvious dislike toward the matrimony of his sister and Hidayat, he was happy that he was there. That he was a part of it all. That his father and him have finally found a mutual understanding of how to communicate with each other.
It was also during this trip that I and his family have established my position. I am Kak Anna, Kaklong. I've developed some sort of strange bond with Paklong with him constantly joking with me during my three-day stay - it was his way of getting to know me. I've become Maklong's new anak buah and her 'kissing' bag - she loves to kiss my cheeks :) I've become closer to both his sisters and even felt slightly protective over Imah when I was saying goodbye to her and Hidayat - I'm afraid that he's going to hurt her or won't be able to care for her. I've been accepted as Kak Anna by Ijah - even though she's two years older than me. I've been accepted as the 'sporting' older type of sister by his younger siblings and his cousins. And I've been accepted as "bakal isteri Zaidi" by Ayah and Umie.
I'm just hoping that things will find a way to develop the way it has for me with Eddie's family in regards of him being accepted by my family.
Good luck, Sayang.
Friday, 12 December 2008
It was about 5.15am. I shivered through my cold shower. It's a good thing I'd already packed all my things two days before. I reached Eddie's place at about 6am. He and Qayum were ready. When Eddie got in the car, I salam him and pulled back immediately instead of the usual hug hello. I was still recovering from our bitter argument the night before. (He'd insisted on driving back to Teluk Intan after he closed shop at 12.30am. I told him no. We fought.)
We drove in silence at first. Then he asked what's wrong. I fired back, "you want to do this in front of Qayum?" His reply, "ignore him. Just talk to me." I just shook my head and kept silent. We stopped to fill up petrol. When Eddie got out, Qayum said, "Relax Na, sekarang ni dia tengah panas. Nanti dia ok la tu." Half an hour into our journey, Eddie held me hand. My hand stayed limp. Qayum was drifting in and out of sleep in the backseat. It took about an hour and a bit before Eddie and I were ok.
We reached Teluk Intan at about 8.30am. But we went straight into town to look for flowers for Imah's wedding, and went to have breakfast first. It was Qayum's first time there, so we were showing him what little sights there were while looking for a place that sold fresh flowers. It was a dark and damp morning. After that, we went to buy Imah's gift - a 47-piece dinnerware set.
We reached Ayah's house at about 11.30am. The house was bustling with people. The women were sitting on the floor outside cutting onions and garlic and chili. The men were setting up the tent. Eddie's family were all assigned jobs and busy working. After the initial hello, we went straight to work. There were 1,800 doorgift bags in the middle of the living room where the TV and sofa should have been. Our first task was to pack up the door gifts and put it in the house next door before packing the remaining of the 3,000 door gifts that were to be prepared.
By 9pm, everyone was settling down. Most of the jobs for the day was done and everyone was beat. I took a shower, changed and went to sleep. And it was because I slept early that I missed everyone using the inai on their fingers :(
Saturday, 13 December 2008
I witnessed my first korban (sacrifice) today. Eddie wanted to see it but had to go and pick up relatives who were arriving from Singapore. While I was busy packing the different door gifts with Maksu and Ijah, Hassan came rushing in, "Kak Anna, Abang Eddie suruh ambik video. Jom!" I took my camera and Hassan drove me to the nearby surau. All of Eddie's cousins (90% of whom are male) were heading off on motorbikes. When we reached, the cow was standing at the corner. It was almost time.
I'd never witnessed one before. Especially not this close. We (me, Eddie's half-sister and all his boy cousins) were crowded at one side waiting for the action to begin. I thought I'd be horrified, by the slaughter or the poor animal grunting and fighting in pain. But surprisingly, I wasn't. Just a little sad for the poor thing. I watched and took photos from when he stood till all that was left was his skin spread out on the ground and his innards laying next to the skin on the ground. A few hours later, I just made a face when Eddie brought me a bowl of sup lembu.
At 6.30pm, I was heading to the room to get ready. To my surprise, Imah was still in the room...not even an inch to being ready. I asked her why she's not getting ready. We had to be at the surau by 7.15pm. She said the make-up lady hadn't arrive. I took a shower. When I came back out, Ijah came to me and said that she was equally horrified when she saw her sister not getting ready yet. After some insistence and phone calls, Imah was in the bilik pengantin getting her face made up.
We were late. I was appointed as Imah's pengapit (did I spell that right?) since her girl cousin who was earlier appointed went MIA. At the surau, I sat with her on one side with all the other women. Every so often, Imah turned and said, "Macam mana ni, Kak Anna? Takut." I had to reassure her a couple of times before she started to calm down a bit. When she was asked to go sit next to Hidayat, she really panicked. She half stood, turned to me and said, "Jom la Kak Anna. Jom la." Half the women were saying follow her, the other half said let her go herself. I looked at Eddie. He was sitting as a witness to the marriage. He gave a slight nod that said, follow her.
It didn't take long. Between Imah panicking and seeing Ayah on the verge of tears, I saw Eddie looking stressed. He wasn't happy and wasn't ready to let his baby sister go. So I decided to smile my biggest smile while Qayum was taking photos. When it was done, Ayah went outside to take a breather. The tears couldn't hold much longer.
The night ended at about 11.30pm when Eddie decided to pass out in front of the TV as the guests were beginning to leave. Instead of staying there that night, I decided to stay at the motel that Ayah rented for his guests. Maksu shared a room and living hall with her husband and son, while I had a room (or bilik bujang) all to myself for the night. Ahhh...I managed to relax alone, take a long, hot bath, watch a bit of TV, charge my laptop, camera and phone. It was definitely a blessing in disguise that there happened to be a spare room for me to rest.
Sunday, 14 December 2008
Family members were all wearing green today, along with green pins to symbolise who the family members were. Guests started coming in the morning. Everyone had their roles to play. The men - Ayah, Paklong, Pak Mamat and Eddie - were greeting the guests. The women were guiding guests into the house or where to sit and eat, and to give the door gifts that we so painfully had to pack for two days.
Twice I was mistaken as the bride. Both times I would immediately say, "Tak, tak, tak. Pengantin ada kat dalam." And immediately Maksu would say, "Ini bakal isteri Zaidi." with that cheeky smile on her face. It didn't take long before everybody knew who I was. Eddie was happy. He was grinning from ear to ear throughout the whole ceremony.
When the ceremony ended and everyone had settled down, the boys were busy cleaning - after Eddie took the initiative to start clearing the tables. I settled down in between Umie and Maksu at the front of the house, having tea and tidbits. When Eddie had finished cleaning, he settled himself in the house and called me in. We finally had some time 'alone' (meaning that everyone was distracted with something else) and just sat and updated each other since we were both busy the whole day. It didn't take long for Paklong to come and joke around with us. It was also that moment that he took the opportunity to tell me that he has fully accepted me as one of his anak buah and understands why we've chosen to wait.
Eddie was grinning from ear to ear. Although there's picture proof during the actual akad nikah that shows Eddie's obvious dislike toward the matrimony of his sister and Hidayat, he was happy that he was there. That he was a part of it all. That his father and him have finally found a mutual understanding of how to communicate with each other.
It was also during this trip that I and his family have established my position. I am Kak Anna, Kaklong. I've developed some sort of strange bond with Paklong with him constantly joking with me during my three-day stay - it was his way of getting to know me. I've become Maklong's new anak buah and her 'kissing' bag - she loves to kiss my cheeks :) I've become closer to both his sisters and even felt slightly protective over Imah when I was saying goodbye to her and Hidayat - I'm afraid that he's going to hurt her or won't be able to care for her. I've been accepted as Kak Anna by Ijah - even though she's two years older than me. I've been accepted as the 'sporting' older type of sister by his younger siblings and his cousins. And I've been accepted as "bakal isteri Zaidi" by Ayah and Umie.
I'm just hoping that things will find a way to develop the way it has for me with Eddie's family in regards of him being accepted by my family.
Good luck, Sayang.
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
An obligation
Thursday, 11 December 2008 @ 10.53am
I now understand why a lot of children (no matter what age they are) lie to their parents. I used to believe that honesty is the best policy. I used to discuss openly my problems with my father. This morning, I now think that honesty is not necessarily the best policy anymore.
Papa asked me how's work. Me, thinking that I should keep up this honest and open dialogue that I've had with him for the last couple of years, replied, "not good. I don't think it'll be for long." Immediately his face changes and he says the five words that I have long dreaded to hear, "You should've stayed at Trix."
I was horrified. It was 8.30am. I felt the rage enter me as I saw him shaking his head and his face saying, I knew it, you can't make it, you're a disappointment. I fired back saying it's the risk and challenge. And that I didn't want to rot at Trix with the pay that I was getting doing two people's jobs. And of course, I could see on the verge of his tongue he was about to call me rude. So I shut up. As he "advised" me on what I should do with my career, I decided there and then I will not be so honest anymore. The next time I'm asked how's work, my reply will be, "it's fan-fucking-tastic. I love having to work in an environment where I get the 'big' clients so they have someone new to attack and harass every single day. I love being the one who chase for quotations and rush off to meetings. I love having to sit in my corner not being able to participate creatively where I once was able to. Yes, it's fan-fucking-tastic because the money's better. So why the fuck should I care how I feel? Work like a fucking robot. Fuck that the six years spent in Melbourne and two years working experience is gone to WASTE."
Yes, I am extremely angry at the moment. I don't understand what it is. Not everything is about money. I understand that times are hard and it'll just get harder in the next coming years. But it's difficult to trust a 24-year-old who knows NOTHING right? What I say is shit. It amounts to nothing. I never seem to be able to make my own decisions. Everything I do I'm forced into doing it. Let's look back shall we?
I was forced into taking my Diploma of Mass Communications. I was forced into taking my Bachelor of Arts (Media & Communication). I was forced to work with Josh for two months before being forced into signing to work with Trix (as I remember correctly, Papa was also upset that I signed with Trix before discussing it with anyone). I was forced to quit Trix to try something new. I was forced to work with MA. I was forced to work part-time at Get Crafty. I was forced into doing Kostari. I was forced into buying my car... if you didn't notice, I was being sarcastic.
Have a read through again. Have I made some bad decisions in the last eight years of my life? Do you know what I was really almost forced into doing? Finance. Hah! I fought hard as fuck into getting the Diploma and degree of my choice. Gee, what a bad choice I made. And look at me now. Still a bad choice huh? Am I struggling? Am I dying? Am I not paying for my own car and bills?
Am I really doing something wrong here? People, talk to me. Enlighten me. I'm going to the edge. I'm about to LOSE IT! Is it wrong that I want to do something that's not rigid and traditional? Yes, money is important. It's an obligation. But should it rule your life? Should it dictate your every movement? I'm young. I'm literally working all the time. Money is ALREADY dictating my life. Should I still be reminded by it?
God help me.
I now understand why a lot of children (no matter what age they are) lie to their parents. I used to believe that honesty is the best policy. I used to discuss openly my problems with my father. This morning, I now think that honesty is not necessarily the best policy anymore.
Papa asked me how's work. Me, thinking that I should keep up this honest and open dialogue that I've had with him for the last couple of years, replied, "not good. I don't think it'll be for long." Immediately his face changes and he says the five words that I have long dreaded to hear, "You should've stayed at Trix."
I was horrified. It was 8.30am. I felt the rage enter me as I saw him shaking his head and his face saying, I knew it, you can't make it, you're a disappointment. I fired back saying it's the risk and challenge. And that I didn't want to rot at Trix with the pay that I was getting doing two people's jobs. And of course, I could see on the verge of his tongue he was about to call me rude. So I shut up. As he "advised" me on what I should do with my career, I decided there and then I will not be so honest anymore. The next time I'm asked how's work, my reply will be, "it's fan-fucking-tastic. I love having to work in an environment where I get the 'big' clients so they have someone new to attack and harass every single day. I love being the one who chase for quotations and rush off to meetings. I love having to sit in my corner not being able to participate creatively where I once was able to. Yes, it's fan-fucking-tastic because the money's better. So why the fuck should I care how I feel? Work like a fucking robot. Fuck that the six years spent in Melbourne and two years working experience is gone to WASTE."
Yes, I am extremely angry at the moment. I don't understand what it is. Not everything is about money. I understand that times are hard and it'll just get harder in the next coming years. But it's difficult to trust a 24-year-old who knows NOTHING right? What I say is shit. It amounts to nothing. I never seem to be able to make my own decisions. Everything I do I'm forced into doing it. Let's look back shall we?
I was forced into taking my Diploma of Mass Communications. I was forced into taking my Bachelor of Arts (Media & Communication). I was forced to work with Josh for two months before being forced into signing to work with Trix (as I remember correctly, Papa was also upset that I signed with Trix before discussing it with anyone). I was forced to quit Trix to try something new. I was forced to work with MA. I was forced to work part-time at Get Crafty. I was forced into doing Kostari. I was forced into buying my car... if you didn't notice, I was being sarcastic.
Have a read through again. Have I made some bad decisions in the last eight years of my life? Do you know what I was really almost forced into doing? Finance. Hah! I fought hard as fuck into getting the Diploma and degree of my choice. Gee, what a bad choice I made. And look at me now. Still a bad choice huh? Am I struggling? Am I dying? Am I not paying for my own car and bills?
Am I really doing something wrong here? People, talk to me. Enlighten me. I'm going to the edge. I'm about to LOSE IT! Is it wrong that I want to do something that's not rigid and traditional? Yes, money is important. It's an obligation. But should it rule your life? Should it dictate your every movement? I'm young. I'm literally working all the time. Money is ALREADY dictating my life. Should I still be reminded by it?
God help me.
Monday, December 8, 2008
hear me rant
Tuesday, 9 December 2008 @ 2.43pm
Remember a couple a blogs ago when I wrote that my boss asked me if I dread coming to this job? If she asks me again, I will full-heartedly say, "yes, I fucking hate it." I feel useless. I feel like my brain is not being used to it's full capacity.
Typical day at MA:
9am - leave home.
9.15am - reach office.
9.20am - after putting my bag at my desk, go back down to get breakfast.
9.30 - 10am - eat breakfast and check email / facebook account.
10am - 1pm - service clients / answer queries from designers / argue with copywriter / meetings
1.30 - 2.30pm - eat lunch and read the paper ( 3 out of 5 times alone, while the other 2 times is just trying to make nice and building a relationship with colleagues)
3 - 7 to 10pm (unpredictable what time work finishes) - meetings / answer queries from designers / argue with copywriter / service clients
7 - 10pm - leave the office
I don't use my brain here. Yeah, they say you can put your ideas in. Just because I do doens't mean that the copywriter or AD or designer would use it. I used to be in control. I used to be able to express myself creatively and conceptually. Now what I do is media bookings, service clients, go for meetings, chase for clients to sign quotations, chase for clients to pay us for our service... last week, most of my clients were on leave. So was my boss and superior. I spent Thursday and Friday going online reading true crime stories.
I hear the desginers and ADs discussing the concept and ideas and I'm jealous. I used to be a part of that. I'm now just the go to person to find out what time the meeting is so they know when to prepare the mock up, and the go to person when they need a question answered based on client demands. Sigh.
I can't do this anymore. I'm not made for this. I cannot be JUST as AE. I can't. I feel helpless and useless. I DESPISE coming to this fucking job every single fucking day. And I DESPISE when I have nothing to do and the time go by so fucking slowly...
I've realised that's why I've been so enthusiastic about Kostari. With Kostari, I'm doing the actual physical work. My ideas are heard and discussed and implemented. So much so that I'm the one who has to do the presentation in front of potential sponsors and Datuks and Datins and blah blah blah. There, I'm useful. That's why I don't mind the meetings at night after this fucking job. Or meetings in the evenings after Get Crafty.
I've also realised that's why I don't mind working extra days and/or hours at Get Crafty either. There, I'm a useful CSR. I get to know the parents, build a rapport, sell packages (I've sold six in the last three days...hehehe). I'm also a useful teacher. Not only do I get to teach, I also get to create craft (you should see my ninja windmill - it's so cool).
Here, I'm...an AE. D'you know what I've been doing today? After a very brief WIP with my superior and the other AE, I've been going through allthe different newspaper publications in the last week looking for ads that are worth cutting out and filing. At lunch, I decided to go home and surprise the kids. They came running to me when I opened the door :) Now that I'm back from lunch at home, I'm ranting.
I gotta get another fucking job. One that actually makes full use of what I've been taught and trained to do. I was once half an editor and AE. At Get Crafty I'm half teacher and half CSR. And here...eeeeeeeeee.... I need another job. I can't be an AE anymore. I can't do it.
Remember a couple a blogs ago when I wrote that my boss asked me if I dread coming to this job? If she asks me again, I will full-heartedly say, "yes, I fucking hate it." I feel useless. I feel like my brain is not being used to it's full capacity.
Typical day at MA:
9am - leave home.
9.15am - reach office.
9.20am - after putting my bag at my desk, go back down to get breakfast.
9.30 - 10am - eat breakfast and check email / facebook account.
10am - 1pm - service clients / answer queries from designers / argue with copywriter / meetings
1.30 - 2.30pm - eat lunch and read the paper ( 3 out of 5 times alone, while the other 2 times is just trying to make nice and building a relationship with colleagues)
3 - 7 to 10pm (unpredictable what time work finishes) - meetings / answer queries from designers / argue with copywriter / service clients
7 - 10pm - leave the office
I don't use my brain here. Yeah, they say you can put your ideas in. Just because I do doens't mean that the copywriter or AD or designer would use it. I used to be in control. I used to be able to express myself creatively and conceptually. Now what I do is media bookings, service clients, go for meetings, chase for clients to sign quotations, chase for clients to pay us for our service... last week, most of my clients were on leave. So was my boss and superior. I spent Thursday and Friday going online reading true crime stories.
I hear the desginers and ADs discussing the concept and ideas and I'm jealous. I used to be a part of that. I'm now just the go to person to find out what time the meeting is so they know when to prepare the mock up, and the go to person when they need a question answered based on client demands. Sigh.
I can't do this anymore. I'm not made for this. I cannot be JUST as AE. I can't. I feel helpless and useless. I DESPISE coming to this fucking job every single fucking day. And I DESPISE when I have nothing to do and the time go by so fucking slowly...
I've realised that's why I've been so enthusiastic about Kostari. With Kostari, I'm doing the actual physical work. My ideas are heard and discussed and implemented. So much so that I'm the one who has to do the presentation in front of potential sponsors and Datuks and Datins and blah blah blah. There, I'm useful. That's why I don't mind the meetings at night after this fucking job. Or meetings in the evenings after Get Crafty.
I've also realised that's why I don't mind working extra days and/or hours at Get Crafty either. There, I'm a useful CSR. I get to know the parents, build a rapport, sell packages (I've sold six in the last three days...hehehe). I'm also a useful teacher. Not only do I get to teach, I also get to create craft (you should see my ninja windmill - it's so cool).
Here, I'm...an AE. D'you know what I've been doing today? After a very brief WIP with my superior and the other AE, I've been going through allthe different newspaper publications in the last week looking for ads that are worth cutting out and filing. At lunch, I decided to go home and surprise the kids. They came running to me when I opened the door :) Now that I'm back from lunch at home, I'm ranting.
I gotta get another fucking job. One that actually makes full use of what I've been taught and trained to do. I was once half an editor and AE. At Get Crafty I'm half teacher and half CSR. And here...eeeeeeeeee.... I need another job. I can't be an AE anymore. I can't do it.
Thursday, December 4, 2008
Follow-up
Thursday, 4 December 2008 @ 6.40pm
So I got an update from Ina today. She was telling me that my old boss was pissed off with everyone taking leave and the general situation of the office. She was also updating me of how useless the remaining Editors are. Granted, one of them just couldn't care less and that's the way she's been since the first day I tried to train her. She just doesn't give a shit. The other one...my replacement...aiyyooo...
I don't want to butt in. I don't want to continue professing how good I was there (although I was - sorry, can't help it. It's true.) Before I left, I gave SPECIFIC guidelines. It was (and still can be if she bothered to use it) a step-by-step handbook to what to do there. In my words to her, "it's as though I'm holding your hand through the process - I just won't be there physically." I even gave her a forecast of what will be happening (job-wise and client-wise) until roughly around February 2009. Ina said Mr N asked her about a specific bank. Her reply? Dunno. Arghhh!! I told her to send an email. To call. To introduce herself. To follow-up!!! Did she do it? Obviously not.
My blog was created for me to rant and dammit, I'm ranting. Is it really that bloody difficult to take an interest? That bank has been a long-serviced client. As the agency, shouldn't we (sorry, I'm not 'we' anymore), I mean they follow up by calling and saying, "hey...shouldn't your newsletter be printed by now?" Hello?! Why did I waste my time spending HOURS teaching and training and briefing to two of the most useless human beings who dare to classify themselves as Editors? Why? Why? Why?
I don't want to care anymore. Really, I don't. But hello?!? It wasn't as though I left them in the lurch one day or disappeared into thin air. I told them. I warned them. I showed them. Do they listen? Do they care? No. no. no.
I don't understand this nonchalance that I keep hearing about by the both of them. Ina spent the whole of yesterday doing an Editor's job! What did the two 'useful' (said VERY sarcastically, mind you) Editors do? Read the paper! Ahahaha! Funny.
I will make this my last ever post about them. Because I've realised one thing - it won't change. That's who they are. And I don't think I wasted my time the last few weeks there with my briefs. I just see it as them losing out on some very valuable information.
Peace.
So I got an update from Ina today. She was telling me that my old boss was pissed off with everyone taking leave and the general situation of the office. She was also updating me of how useless the remaining Editors are. Granted, one of them just couldn't care less and that's the way she's been since the first day I tried to train her. She just doesn't give a shit. The other one...my replacement...aiyyooo...
I don't want to butt in. I don't want to continue professing how good I was there (although I was - sorry, can't help it. It's true.) Before I left, I gave SPECIFIC guidelines. It was (and still can be if she bothered to use it) a step-by-step handbook to what to do there. In my words to her, "it's as though I'm holding your hand through the process - I just won't be there physically." I even gave her a forecast of what will be happening (job-wise and client-wise) until roughly around February 2009. Ina said Mr N asked her about a specific bank. Her reply? Dunno. Arghhh!! I told her to send an email. To call. To introduce herself. To follow-up!!! Did she do it? Obviously not.
My blog was created for me to rant and dammit, I'm ranting. Is it really that bloody difficult to take an interest? That bank has been a long-serviced client. As the agency, shouldn't we (sorry, I'm not 'we' anymore), I mean they follow up by calling and saying, "hey...shouldn't your newsletter be printed by now?" Hello?! Why did I waste my time spending HOURS teaching and training and briefing to two of the most useless human beings who dare to classify themselves as Editors? Why? Why? Why?
I don't want to care anymore. Really, I don't. But hello?!? It wasn't as though I left them in the lurch one day or disappeared into thin air. I told them. I warned them. I showed them. Do they listen? Do they care? No. no. no.
I don't understand this nonchalance that I keep hearing about by the both of them. Ina spent the whole of yesterday doing an Editor's job! What did the two 'useful' (said VERY sarcastically, mind you) Editors do? Read the paper! Ahahaha! Funny.
I will make this my last ever post about them. Because I've realised one thing - it won't change. That's who they are. And I don't think I wasted my time the last few weeks there with my briefs. I just see it as them losing out on some very valuable information.
Peace.
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
The first time
Thursday, 4 December 2008 @ 10.25am
Why do Malaysian men think it's ok for them to call out, shout out and whistle at a woman as she walks by? Is it something built in their DNA to think that, hey, if I call her or say she's cute, then she's going to immediately jump into my arms. Dumbass.
I get no peace walking alone. There will always be the whistles, the cat calling, the looks... even by dirty old men who look like they could be my father!! Yuck yuck yuck yuck yuck. Why? I have seen men who would actually turn to continue looking at you. There was one time I was driving on the highway on the way to Sunway and this guy on a motorbike who actually kept driving ahead but turned his head all the way just to continue looking and smiling that dirty smile. He kept doing it for so long that he didn't realise there was a bend ahead. I started shouting to myself in the car for him to turn before he crashes and dies. The idiot turned in time and managed to turn to avoid burning in hell. But he just laughed. Arrgggh!! Most - not all - men do not have the capacity to use their brains to think that women actually prefer those who don't pounce on you. Especially if their in groups.
People always ask me how I met Eddie. When I answer, "In his restaurant," there's always this misconception that he did exactly that - whistled at me, called me a name and I immediately jumped on him. I even got this comment - "so one day customer, next day girlfriend?" Hello?! I am going to take this time to actually clear all misconceptions that Eddie is like one of those idiots and that I'm stupid and desperate enough to fall for him immediately.
The first time I met him was at Michelangelo's. I was with Steph. We reached at about 8pm. Kabir was attending a wedding dinner at a hotel nearby. We chose to sit at the bar. There were two staff that night who paid extra attention to us - F***** and Eddie. I didn't really notice either one of them at first. We were just being friendly. Steph and I, being the giggly idiots when we meet each other, continued being the giggly idiots throughout the night. We only started noticing that F***** was coming onto me after a few hours. Eddie was friendly but kept his distance for a bit. I admit, after a couple of hours, there was an attraction. I won't lie.
Kabir joined us at about...11-ish I think. When he came, he sat next to me. I was in the middle of the two of them. At this point, you can tell that F***** and Eddie were trying to figure out who Kabir belonged to. It was hard to tell but they knew one of us was with Kabir. Oh, before I continue, because we were sitting at the bar, it was easy for us to joke around with Eddie when he was behind the bar. Yes, Eddie. We tried to ignore F***** as much as we could. He's a sleazy, greasy guy who is the ultimate definition of those idiots who whistle and cat call that I was describing earlier.
As the night grew on, they found out that Steph was with Kabir and I was basically the single third wheeler. By about 1.30am, F***** was trying hard to get me - that was pretty obvious. Eddie was still cool about it, but was still friendly. When F***** wasn't around and Eddie was behind the bar, we spoke a little bit. What work I do. Where I usually hang out, etc. One thing led to another, and I gave him my card.
At 3am that same night, Steph, Kabir and I had shifted to sit at the outside table. F***** was getting desperate. He then leaned on the table and said to me, "Anna, let's go out. One date. I think you're gorgeous and blah blah blah." I smiled and said, "No thanks. I'd rather go out with Eddie." His reply? "Fine. Go out with him one night and me one night. Let the best man win." My reply? "I'm not that kind of girl. No thanks."
And just to be clear and to once again clear the whole misconception that I know most people will have of Eddie probably trying that trick before and that I was stupid enough to fall for it...well, there's nothing much I can say. Continue saying what you'd like. Nothing I say or do will change your mind anyway. We only went out a week after that and that was in the company of about eight of my friends. Trying to woo me was a tough task for Eddie. Falling for him wasn't in the blink of an eye either. But I can tell you this. It's been almost a year. I trust him. I know him. I love him. If you still want to find fault with that, go ahead. It'll go in one ear, and out the other.
Why do Malaysian men think it's ok for them to call out, shout out and whistle at a woman as she walks by? Is it something built in their DNA to think that, hey, if I call her or say she's cute, then she's going to immediately jump into my arms. Dumbass.
I get no peace walking alone. There will always be the whistles, the cat calling, the looks... even by dirty old men who look like they could be my father!! Yuck yuck yuck yuck yuck. Why? I have seen men who would actually turn to continue looking at you. There was one time I was driving on the highway on the way to Sunway and this guy on a motorbike who actually kept driving ahead but turned his head all the way just to continue looking and smiling that dirty smile. He kept doing it for so long that he didn't realise there was a bend ahead. I started shouting to myself in the car for him to turn before he crashes and dies. The idiot turned in time and managed to turn to avoid burning in hell. But he just laughed. Arrgggh!! Most - not all - men do not have the capacity to use their brains to think that women actually prefer those who don't pounce on you. Especially if their in groups.
People always ask me how I met Eddie. When I answer, "In his restaurant," there's always this misconception that he did exactly that - whistled at me, called me a name and I immediately jumped on him. I even got this comment - "so one day customer, next day girlfriend?" Hello?! I am going to take this time to actually clear all misconceptions that Eddie is like one of those idiots and that I'm stupid and desperate enough to fall for him immediately.
The first time I met him was at Michelangelo's. I was with Steph. We reached at about 8pm. Kabir was attending a wedding dinner at a hotel nearby. We chose to sit at the bar. There were two staff that night who paid extra attention to us - F***** and Eddie. I didn't really notice either one of them at first. We were just being friendly. Steph and I, being the giggly idiots when we meet each other, continued being the giggly idiots throughout the night. We only started noticing that F***** was coming onto me after a few hours. Eddie was friendly but kept his distance for a bit. I admit, after a couple of hours, there was an attraction. I won't lie.
Kabir joined us at about...11-ish I think. When he came, he sat next to me. I was in the middle of the two of them. At this point, you can tell that F***** and Eddie were trying to figure out who Kabir belonged to. It was hard to tell but they knew one of us was with Kabir. Oh, before I continue, because we were sitting at the bar, it was easy for us to joke around with Eddie when he was behind the bar. Yes, Eddie. We tried to ignore F***** as much as we could. He's a sleazy, greasy guy who is the ultimate definition of those idiots who whistle and cat call that I was describing earlier.
As the night grew on, they found out that Steph was with Kabir and I was basically the single third wheeler. By about 1.30am, F***** was trying hard to get me - that was pretty obvious. Eddie was still cool about it, but was still friendly. When F***** wasn't around and Eddie was behind the bar, we spoke a little bit. What work I do. Where I usually hang out, etc. One thing led to another, and I gave him my card.
At 3am that same night, Steph, Kabir and I had shifted to sit at the outside table. F***** was getting desperate. He then leaned on the table and said to me, "Anna, let's go out. One date. I think you're gorgeous and blah blah blah." I smiled and said, "No thanks. I'd rather go out with Eddie." His reply? "Fine. Go out with him one night and me one night. Let the best man win." My reply? "I'm not that kind of girl. No thanks."
And just to be clear and to once again clear the whole misconception that I know most people will have of Eddie probably trying that trick before and that I was stupid enough to fall for it...well, there's nothing much I can say. Continue saying what you'd like. Nothing I say or do will change your mind anyway. We only went out a week after that and that was in the company of about eight of my friends. Trying to woo me was a tough task for Eddie. Falling for him wasn't in the blink of an eye either. But I can tell you this. It's been almost a year. I trust him. I know him. I love him. If you still want to find fault with that, go ahead. It'll go in one ear, and out the other.
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
The 'suit'
Wednesday, 3 December 2008 @ 3.40pm
I moved my desk today. I no longer sit in the middle of the way where everybody walks by, sees what's on my screen, what I'm eating, what I'm drinking, who I'm talking to, etc. I also won't be interrupted by people wanting to use the scanner anymore. Nor will I have to sit and wonder who's going to collect the print out that's coming out of the printer next to me.
I now sit at a corner at the very end of the AE world, apart and away from the rest. It's better this way. I don't need to be so cautious of who's behind me and whether I'm in the way if I push my chair back. I now have a place to put my umbrella, store my files, my annual report samples, my brochures, etc.
I'm still adapting to being just an AE (I say just because I've always considered myself to be just half an AE at Trix). There's not much difference really being an AE between here and there. No actually, yes there is. I now have to drive myself around where once upon a time I didn't have to worry about that. I now have to handle the quotations and invoices and all that rubbish (I admit...I still don't know which comes first, DO, PO, I dunno...) And I now have to deal with the monetary side of things. I have to make sure that whatever we do is within budget. And I now have to justify why we're charging this or that amount.
Recently, I had a very important meeting with our very big boss, L, who also turns out to be the Head Art Director. I used to be terrified of him because he's the epitome of what women usually swoon over - tall, dark and handsome. I'm terrified because he's also very stern and very blunt. He's been in advertising for around or over 20 years. I don't remember. He doesn't like it, he'll say so. But he's actually alright. I just get terrified when I have to present work to him or discuss with him a meeting with our major client.
By the way, although I've only been at work here for about three or four or something weeks, I've already been placed to handle their BIGGEST corporate account. Their reasoning? "You know how to handle these people.", "You're detailed.", "You're corporate." Argghhhh!!! I've been trying so hard to avoid being a 'corporate' person, but yet have been moulded into one.
Ok, getting off track here... anyway, the big meeting. We were in L's room with all the other ADs doing a review of the work done so far. I actually called for the meeting because that was the only time we could catch L. He was brutal. But not to me. I, he called, 'the suit'. That was the first time that I've been called the suit and ever since then, I am now known as the suit. Granted, it refers to all the AEs. But it just seems to be directed more to me than the other two.
When I was in Trix, on days where I knew I had to go out, everyone would know because of the way I was dressed. Here, it's become my job to be 'that'. I still need to transform my mindset. Being an AE is no longer a part-time job where I have to meet clients once or twice a week, fortnight, month. It has become a part of my daily routine because I have become... the suit.
I moved my desk today. I no longer sit in the middle of the way where everybody walks by, sees what's on my screen, what I'm eating, what I'm drinking, who I'm talking to, etc. I also won't be interrupted by people wanting to use the scanner anymore. Nor will I have to sit and wonder who's going to collect the print out that's coming out of the printer next to me.
I now sit at a corner at the very end of the AE world, apart and away from the rest. It's better this way. I don't need to be so cautious of who's behind me and whether I'm in the way if I push my chair back. I now have a place to put my umbrella, store my files, my annual report samples, my brochures, etc.
I'm still adapting to being just an AE (I say just because I've always considered myself to be just half an AE at Trix). There's not much difference really being an AE between here and there. No actually, yes there is. I now have to drive myself around where once upon a time I didn't have to worry about that. I now have to handle the quotations and invoices and all that rubbish (I admit...I still don't know which comes first, DO, PO, I dunno...) And I now have to deal with the monetary side of things. I have to make sure that whatever we do is within budget. And I now have to justify why we're charging this or that amount.
Recently, I had a very important meeting with our very big boss, L, who also turns out to be the Head Art Director. I used to be terrified of him because he's the epitome of what women usually swoon over - tall, dark and handsome. I'm terrified because he's also very stern and very blunt. He's been in advertising for around or over 20 years. I don't remember. He doesn't like it, he'll say so. But he's actually alright. I just get terrified when I have to present work to him or discuss with him a meeting with our major client.
By the way, although I've only been at work here for about three or four or something weeks, I've already been placed to handle their BIGGEST corporate account. Their reasoning? "You know how to handle these people.", "You're detailed.", "You're corporate." Argghhhh!!! I've been trying so hard to avoid being a 'corporate' person, but yet have been moulded into one.
Ok, getting off track here... anyway, the big meeting. We were in L's room with all the other ADs doing a review of the work done so far. I actually called for the meeting because that was the only time we could catch L. He was brutal. But not to me. I, he called, 'the suit'. That was the first time that I've been called the suit and ever since then, I am now known as the suit. Granted, it refers to all the AEs. But it just seems to be directed more to me than the other two.
When I was in Trix, on days where I knew I had to go out, everyone would know because of the way I was dressed. Here, it's become my job to be 'that'. I still need to transform my mindset. Being an AE is no longer a part-time job where I have to meet clients once or twice a week, fortnight, month. It has become a part of my daily routine because I have become... the suit.
Monday, December 1, 2008
No life
Tuesday, 2 December 2008 @ 2.03pm
I've just finished a tuna sandwich after having a two-hour discussion with three of my art directors. Before that, I was writing four job briefs for the discussion. Now, I have to follow up with client and handle another job. People used to tell me that if you enter advertising, you have no life. I used to think, 'rubbish. It all boils down to time management.' Boy, was I wrong.
Yesterday...I don't even remember yesterday. Ah yes... I walked into office, had non-stop meetings and arguments with my copywriter before rushing down to B2 to get my monthly pass just so I can quickly scoff down my lunch to rush out to DJ for my 4pm appointment. Oh yes, to top that off... my meeting ended at 6pm. I reached office around 7pm and spent just enough time following up with client on our meeting before rushing off to see Eddie (who naturally, was angry because I was late again).
I then went home, did my laundry and attempted to start Kostari. I feel so bad for Mrs N. I cancelled Monday's meeting and I'm trying to schedule in tomorrow. Shit. I hope I can finish off the manual and presentation tonight.
Eddie keeps telling me I need an assistant. And that I work too hard. And that I shouldn't do everything on my own. Call me an anal retentive control freak if you want. But if I don't do what needs to be done right, I can't sleep. I even dreamt about my meeting at Kostari last night.
Poor Eddie. I don't see him as much now. Or spend enough time with him now. I don't spend enough time at home either. And I don't see friends either (can you count working at Get Crafty on weekends as spending time with friends :P?)
Whoever started the phrase, "if you work in advertising, you have no life", is spot on.
I've just finished a tuna sandwich after having a two-hour discussion with three of my art directors. Before that, I was writing four job briefs for the discussion. Now, I have to follow up with client and handle another job. People used to tell me that if you enter advertising, you have no life. I used to think, 'rubbish. It all boils down to time management.' Boy, was I wrong.
Yesterday...I don't even remember yesterday. Ah yes... I walked into office, had non-stop meetings and arguments with my copywriter before rushing down to B2 to get my monthly pass just so I can quickly scoff down my lunch to rush out to DJ for my 4pm appointment. Oh yes, to top that off... my meeting ended at 6pm. I reached office around 7pm and spent just enough time following up with client on our meeting before rushing off to see Eddie (who naturally, was angry because I was late again).
I then went home, did my laundry and attempted to start Kostari. I feel so bad for Mrs N. I cancelled Monday's meeting and I'm trying to schedule in tomorrow. Shit. I hope I can finish off the manual and presentation tonight.
Eddie keeps telling me I need an assistant. And that I work too hard. And that I shouldn't do everything on my own. Call me an anal retentive control freak if you want. But if I don't do what needs to be done right, I can't sleep. I even dreamt about my meeting at Kostari last night.
Poor Eddie. I don't see him as much now. Or spend enough time with him now. I don't spend enough time at home either. And I don't see friends either (can you count working at Get Crafty on weekends as spending time with friends :P?)
Whoever started the phrase, "if you work in advertising, you have no life", is spot on.
Thursday, November 27, 2008
A Test
Thursday, 27 November 2008 @ 7.55pm
I was once told that God will test you to your limit because he knows your strength. He will push you to that limit and it's up to you how you deal with it.
I think I'm going through a test. A test of patience, perseverance, will power and strength. If you've been a faithful reader of my blog, you'll notice that I've had a pretty shit couple of months (and a pretty busy one too). Yesterday, things were starting to change.
My superior and boss called me into the conference room for a 'chat'. I knew something was up. I sat down and my boss said, "Do you dread coming to work?" My heart stopped. Shit. They've been watching me and they see that yes, I do dread coming to this job. It's only been two weeks and I feel restricted. I feel like a high-paid despatch boy.
I told them the truth. I told them it's a change and I'm still adjusting. I told them that I feel like a high-paid despatch boy (in my exact words, "I feel like I'm just here to pass along work"). NOOO! That was my boss's reply. "I can see that there's so much more in there dying to come out. You can brainstorm with designers and you can put in your suggestions. Anna, you're the perfect person for this job because you're an ex-writer. You're the link between this company and our clients. We've placed you with G********* because we feel you're the one best suited for this job." She went on and on until I said, "So...you're saying that I can work here the way I did at Trix?" YEESSS!!! They immediately start launching into quick sentences:
N: "You can still be in control. You just won't be doing the physical writing."
V: "You're an extra pair of eyes, and you can help spot something if we miss out on anything."
N: "You can deal so well with clients."
V: "You know how to speak properly and interat with them. N, I've seen Mrs H and she loves Anna!"
And it went on and on. Then it hit me. Oh my god. I can actually do better. I can actually do more. I'm ALLOWED to do all these things! I didn't know that!!! AARRRGGHHH!!! I've wasted two weeks!
Today, I launched into full mode. It's been non-stop since my 10am meeting, then 3pm and 5pm discussions. Then taking on work for N while she's away. I'm doing good.
Comes 6.30pm. I'm thinking of leaving the office. Spend a little time with Eddie before I rush on out to Kostari. But... what did I tell you earlier? It's a test. It's all a test. When one thing goes well, another will surely go down.
Right now it's 8.10pm. I'm still in the office. And I'm about to go pick up A**** so we can do Kostari.
In my FB, my status says, Anna R**** misses Eddie :( I was hoping to replace it with something a little more cheerful today. Guess not.
I was once told that God will test you to your limit because he knows your strength. He will push you to that limit and it's up to you how you deal with it.
I think I'm going through a test. A test of patience, perseverance, will power and strength. If you've been a faithful reader of my blog, you'll notice that I've had a pretty shit couple of months (and a pretty busy one too). Yesterday, things were starting to change.
My superior and boss called me into the conference room for a 'chat'. I knew something was up. I sat down and my boss said, "Do you dread coming to work?" My heart stopped. Shit. They've been watching me and they see that yes, I do dread coming to this job. It's only been two weeks and I feel restricted. I feel like a high-paid despatch boy.
I told them the truth. I told them it's a change and I'm still adjusting. I told them that I feel like a high-paid despatch boy (in my exact words, "I feel like I'm just here to pass along work"). NOOO! That was my boss's reply. "I can see that there's so much more in there dying to come out. You can brainstorm with designers and you can put in your suggestions. Anna, you're the perfect person for this job because you're an ex-writer. You're the link between this company and our clients. We've placed you with G********* because we feel you're the one best suited for this job." She went on and on until I said, "So...you're saying that I can work here the way I did at Trix?" YEESSS!!! They immediately start launching into quick sentences:
N: "You can still be in control. You just won't be doing the physical writing."
V: "You're an extra pair of eyes, and you can help spot something if we miss out on anything."
N: "You can deal so well with clients."
V: "You know how to speak properly and interat with them. N, I've seen Mrs H and she loves Anna!"
And it went on and on. Then it hit me. Oh my god. I can actually do better. I can actually do more. I'm ALLOWED to do all these things! I didn't know that!!! AARRRGGHHH!!! I've wasted two weeks!
Today, I launched into full mode. It's been non-stop since my 10am meeting, then 3pm and 5pm discussions. Then taking on work for N while she's away. I'm doing good.
Comes 6.30pm. I'm thinking of leaving the office. Spend a little time with Eddie before I rush on out to Kostari. But... what did I tell you earlier? It's a test. It's all a test. When one thing goes well, another will surely go down.
Right now it's 8.10pm. I'm still in the office. And I'm about to go pick up A**** so we can do Kostari.
In my FB, my status says, Anna R**** misses Eddie :( I was hoping to replace it with something a little more cheerful today. Guess not.
Monday, November 24, 2008
A hell of a weekend
Tuesday, 25 November 2008 @ 12.50pm
Thursday, 20 November 2008
It was 7pm and I was still in the office. Traffic wasn't letting up. I was standing by the office window looking at the row of red lights barely moving. I had to use that road. I had an appointment with Kostari. At 7.30pm, I decided to brave traffic thinking it wouldn't be so bad.
At 9.45pm, I was still in the car. I hadn't moved in 20 minutes. I'd miss a turning, which led me to sitting in heavy traffic, all wanting to make a U-turn as well. My mood had changed. I was late and people were waiting for me. I hate being late and I hate when people have to wait for me. I find it rude. My phone kept ringing but I was ignoring it. The last time I picked it up it was Mrs Moore. She was concerned about me. I was swearing at her. So I decided not to answer any calls till I reached the office. Mrs N also tried to call. I ignored her too.
I reached at 10.20pm. My back was aching. My knee was numb and I wasn't in the mood to play nice. Mrs Moore was there to greet me at the elevator but I was being mean. My mood was still sour. When I walked in the office, Mrs N immediately launched into a ramble of words, "poor thing.", "We bought you dinner.", "Eat first." I put my things down and said, "let's get started."
The meeting ended at 11.15pm. Mrs N's husband was calling, refusing to eat dinner till she got home. Mr and Mrs Moore and I had planned to watch a movie. I was starting to smile. Especially when Eddie said he was finishing work at 11.30pm and he could join us.
We reached Pavilion at 11.45pm. Eddie was sitting at the bar at Michelangelo's, across from where I'd first met him. His helmet sat beside him. He was having his dinner. Poor baby. During the movie, things started to get a little tense between Eddie and I. I wanted attention and he was too tired to give me any. We ended up going our separate ways afterwards. My mood turned sour again as I drove home.
Friday, 21 November 2008
I'd just reached home from work at about 8pm. I'd eaten and showered, and was setting up my laptop in the hopes of starting the presentation for Kostari. Papa wanted to have a talk. I'd been keeping silent for a while now. I figured it's the same. And guess what? It is. In Ina's words, "kalau diam, dia orang cakap kau melawan. Kalau menjawab, dia orang panggil kau biadap." (If you keep quiet, they say you're rebelling. If you answer back, you're rude.)
After my discussion with Papa, I couldn't think. I'd had an extremely long and tiring day at work and was just about to start Kostari. I could feel the anger building up. This shit again?
Eddie was working - he was doing closing again. In almost a daze, I changed my clothes. Took my car keys and drove. I didn't know where I was going. I didn't have a destination. So I just drove. I needed to clear my mind. Earlier in the day I'd already started feeling the tension in my shoulders. Boy, was I wrong when I thought I could work at home.
I drove aimlessly around KL for about an hour and a half. I ended up parked at the side of the road near a night market. And I just stared out the window for a while more. Ina was sms-ing me. Telling me to calm down, and go home. It was stupid and dangerous for me to be out and about alone at that time of night on a Friday. But I couldn't take it anymore. There's never any fucking peace.
They're rejecting Eddie on the basis that...what? I don't know. You tell me. That he's only AM in Dome? That his English is not good? That he's from a kampung? What? What? What? Did they give him a chance? Not even fucking once. Did they remember that they were once like him too? Finding their way in life? Making a life for themselves? A degree doesn't equal happiness and prosperity. You should know that.
No. Ayah has been wanting to meet Papa. He's invited Papa to Ima's wedding. I just haven't given the card. But they're going to have to meet one day right? But since I'm the youngest, my decisions are always wrong. I never know what I'm talking about. I can't think for myself. There's always someone there to brainwash me. I kena bomoh. For fuck's sake la. Please. Open your fucking mind and try to accept that there's a possibility that I can think for myself and I know what I'm doing. People make mistakes. But I learn from my mistakes. It's the ones who think they're right and repeat their mistakes that you should worry about.
Saturday, 22 November 2008
There was a birthday party at 10am. I got ready and left the house. Working at Get Crafty always seems to make me relaxed. Even though there are kids and parents to deal with, the atmosphere and the people I work with make me want to go back without any qualms. I arrived at 9.30am and saw Iqbal pasting the 'Happy Birthday' sign on the window. His face lit up, "Finally! Someone to talk to! I've been alone for half an hour!" First smile of the day.
As head CSR of the day, I dealt mostly with parents signing in and helping children choose a craft to make. I only taught about six kids during the birthday party. And the rest of the day was signing up , promoting Get Crafty and playing with the teachers. It was a good day. I managed to sign up 15 new kids :)
At about 5 or 6pm that day, I was just about to start taking down the 'Happy Birthday' sign when someone came up to me and started pulling down the sign. A little scream came out and I realised it was Mr and Mrs Moore. Another smile for the day.
Sunday, 22 November 2008
I met Eddie for breakfast that morning. I was starting work at 11am. He starts at 12.30pm. The sms I received that morning upset him. He was jealous. He should be. He knows why. Things were patched up. Sometimes a little bit of jealousy goes a long way.
This day ended with a pounding migraine. I drove home at 12.30am that night wearing sunglasses. Haha. First laugh of today.
NOTE: If everything I write in my blog hurts your feelings, stop reading it.
Thursday, 20 November 2008
It was 7pm and I was still in the office. Traffic wasn't letting up. I was standing by the office window looking at the row of red lights barely moving. I had to use that road. I had an appointment with Kostari. At 7.30pm, I decided to brave traffic thinking it wouldn't be so bad.
At 9.45pm, I was still in the car. I hadn't moved in 20 minutes. I'd miss a turning, which led me to sitting in heavy traffic, all wanting to make a U-turn as well. My mood had changed. I was late and people were waiting for me. I hate being late and I hate when people have to wait for me. I find it rude. My phone kept ringing but I was ignoring it. The last time I picked it up it was Mrs Moore. She was concerned about me. I was swearing at her. So I decided not to answer any calls till I reached the office. Mrs N also tried to call. I ignored her too.
I reached at 10.20pm. My back was aching. My knee was numb and I wasn't in the mood to play nice. Mrs Moore was there to greet me at the elevator but I was being mean. My mood was still sour. When I walked in the office, Mrs N immediately launched into a ramble of words, "poor thing.", "We bought you dinner.", "Eat first." I put my things down and said, "let's get started."
The meeting ended at 11.15pm. Mrs N's husband was calling, refusing to eat dinner till she got home. Mr and Mrs Moore and I had planned to watch a movie. I was starting to smile. Especially when Eddie said he was finishing work at 11.30pm and he could join us.
We reached Pavilion at 11.45pm. Eddie was sitting at the bar at Michelangelo's, across from where I'd first met him. His helmet sat beside him. He was having his dinner. Poor baby. During the movie, things started to get a little tense between Eddie and I. I wanted attention and he was too tired to give me any. We ended up going our separate ways afterwards. My mood turned sour again as I drove home.
Friday, 21 November 2008
I'd just reached home from work at about 8pm. I'd eaten and showered, and was setting up my laptop in the hopes of starting the presentation for Kostari. Papa wanted to have a talk. I'd been keeping silent for a while now. I figured it's the same. And guess what? It is. In Ina's words, "kalau diam, dia orang cakap kau melawan. Kalau menjawab, dia orang panggil kau biadap." (If you keep quiet, they say you're rebelling. If you answer back, you're rude.)
After my discussion with Papa, I couldn't think. I'd had an extremely long and tiring day at work and was just about to start Kostari. I could feel the anger building up. This shit again?
Eddie was working - he was doing closing again. In almost a daze, I changed my clothes. Took my car keys and drove. I didn't know where I was going. I didn't have a destination. So I just drove. I needed to clear my mind. Earlier in the day I'd already started feeling the tension in my shoulders. Boy, was I wrong when I thought I could work at home.
I drove aimlessly around KL for about an hour and a half. I ended up parked at the side of the road near a night market. And I just stared out the window for a while more. Ina was sms-ing me. Telling me to calm down, and go home. It was stupid and dangerous for me to be out and about alone at that time of night on a Friday. But I couldn't take it anymore. There's never any fucking peace.
They're rejecting Eddie on the basis that...what? I don't know. You tell me. That he's only AM in Dome? That his English is not good? That he's from a kampung? What? What? What? Did they give him a chance? Not even fucking once. Did they remember that they were once like him too? Finding their way in life? Making a life for themselves? A degree doesn't equal happiness and prosperity. You should know that.
No. Ayah has been wanting to meet Papa. He's invited Papa to Ima's wedding. I just haven't given the card. But they're going to have to meet one day right? But since I'm the youngest, my decisions are always wrong. I never know what I'm talking about. I can't think for myself. There's always someone there to brainwash me. I kena bomoh. For fuck's sake la. Please. Open your fucking mind and try to accept that there's a possibility that I can think for myself and I know what I'm doing. People make mistakes. But I learn from my mistakes. It's the ones who think they're right and repeat their mistakes that you should worry about.
Saturday, 22 November 2008
There was a birthday party at 10am. I got ready and left the house. Working at Get Crafty always seems to make me relaxed. Even though there are kids and parents to deal with, the atmosphere and the people I work with make me want to go back without any qualms. I arrived at 9.30am and saw Iqbal pasting the 'Happy Birthday' sign on the window. His face lit up, "Finally! Someone to talk to! I've been alone for half an hour!" First smile of the day.
As head CSR of the day, I dealt mostly with parents signing in and helping children choose a craft to make. I only taught about six kids during the birthday party. And the rest of the day was signing up , promoting Get Crafty and playing with the teachers. It was a good day. I managed to sign up 15 new kids :)
At about 5 or 6pm that day, I was just about to start taking down the 'Happy Birthday' sign when someone came up to me and started pulling down the sign. A little scream came out and I realised it was Mr and Mrs Moore. Another smile for the day.
Sunday, 22 November 2008
I met Eddie for breakfast that morning. I was starting work at 11am. He starts at 12.30pm. The sms I received that morning upset him. He was jealous. He should be. He knows why. Things were patched up. Sometimes a little bit of jealousy goes a long way.
This day ended with a pounding migraine. I drove home at 12.30am that night wearing sunglasses. Haha. First laugh of today.
NOTE: If everything I write in my blog hurts your feelings, stop reading it.
Thursday, November 20, 2008
A tribute
Friday, 21 November 2008 @ 9.45am
It's times like this that you see who you can really depend on. I have four people who are willing to back me up when I don't have the support and pull me back up when I'm falling. Genuine people are hard to come by and I'm more than lucky to have these four.
A**** - for meeting me at Bangsar that night. For listening to me. For not judging me. For not being a hypocrite. For always being there for me, even after all these years. For making me feel so relaxed that night that for the first time in weeks, I actually wanted to sleep.
F******* - for always calling me and asking me how I am. For handing me that **** when I saw her on Wednesday. For always offering me her home to stay. For always offering me an extra hand when I need help. For always trusting and believing in me.
A**** - for being a good sister, a good friend, a good listener. For always giving me a hug when you know I need it. For always calling me at the worst possible times but only because you know I needed that call to say you're there for me.
F***** - for allowing me to be my crazy, OCD self. For always asking how I'm doing. For always kacau-ing me through SMS. For always turning back to make sure I'm there if I'm one step behind. For being a great man and pillar of strength for my sister.
I don't know how else to say thank you at the moment. I have tried being a good friend to you in the short and long times that I have known each of you. I admit. I'm fragile at the moment. And in this last week, each and every one of you have shown me that I did not make a bad choice in choosing you to be my friend.
You all know that I don't like to be pushed. You all know that I just sometimes need silence. You all know that sometimes I need a hug. You all know that sometimes I just need a few words of encouragement And you all know when I need you.
Thank you.
It's times like this that you see who you can really depend on. I have four people who are willing to back me up when I don't have the support and pull me back up when I'm falling. Genuine people are hard to come by and I'm more than lucky to have these four.
A**** - for meeting me at Bangsar that night. For listening to me. For not judging me. For not being a hypocrite. For always being there for me, even after all these years. For making me feel so relaxed that night that for the first time in weeks, I actually wanted to sleep.
F******* - for always calling me and asking me how I am. For handing me that **** when I saw her on Wednesday. For always offering me her home to stay. For always offering me an extra hand when I need help. For always trusting and believing in me.
A**** - for being a good sister, a good friend, a good listener. For always giving me a hug when you know I need it. For always calling me at the worst possible times but only because you know I needed that call to say you're there for me.
F***** - for allowing me to be my crazy, OCD self. For always asking how I'm doing. For always kacau-ing me through SMS. For always turning back to make sure I'm there if I'm one step behind. For being a great man and pillar of strength for my sister.
I don't know how else to say thank you at the moment. I have tried being a good friend to you in the short and long times that I have known each of you. I admit. I'm fragile at the moment. And in this last week, each and every one of you have shown me that I did not make a bad choice in choosing you to be my friend.
You all know that I don't like to be pushed. You all know that I just sometimes need silence. You all know that sometimes I need a hug. You all know that sometimes I just need a few words of encouragement And you all know when I need you.
Thank you.
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
Lost
Wednesday, 19 November 2008 @ 8.40pm
It was about 3pm when it happened. It was raining and I was stuck in traffic on my way to a client's office. I zoned out and I didn't know where I was. For a moment I was lost. I didn't know what day it was, where I was, where I was going or what I was doing. A few seconds later, I snapped out of it.
Now that was scary.
It was about 3pm when it happened. It was raining and I was stuck in traffic on my way to a client's office. I zoned out and I didn't know where I was. For a moment I was lost. I didn't know what day it was, where I was, where I was going or what I was doing. A few seconds later, I snapped out of it.
Now that was scary.
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
I hope you realise
Wednesday, 19 November 2008 @ 9.40am
I hope you realise that damage has been done.
I hope you realise that this time it's serious.
I hope you realise that things will be different.
I hope you realise that not everything can be solved through a 'discussion'.
I hope you realise that things are not going to be the same.
I hope you realise that I am changing.
I hope you realise that I'm young and I'm learning quickly.
I hope you realise that I'm distancing myself for a good reason.
I hope you realise that I need some time.
I hope you realise that I'm under a lot of pressure.
I hope you realise that I'm under a lot of stress.
I hope you realise that I prefer to be left alone.
I hope you realise that I cannot stand listening to the same repetitive bullshit that I hear everyday.
I hope you realise that it's you who's slowly pushing me away.
I hope you realise that as you're pushing me away, there's always someone there to comfort me instead.
I hope you realise that I'm not going to make an effort to find a solution because there never is one.
I hope you realise I'm trying to find a way out.
I hope you realise that I'm working as hard as fuck to find that way out.
And I hope you realise that I won't be censoring what I write in my blog anymore.
I hope you realise that damage has been done.
I hope you realise that this time it's serious.
I hope you realise that things will be different.
I hope you realise that not everything can be solved through a 'discussion'.
I hope you realise that things are not going to be the same.
I hope you realise that I am changing.
I hope you realise that I'm young and I'm learning quickly.
I hope you realise that I'm distancing myself for a good reason.
I hope you realise that I need some time.
I hope you realise that I'm under a lot of pressure.
I hope you realise that I'm under a lot of stress.
I hope you realise that I prefer to be left alone.
I hope you realise that I cannot stand listening to the same repetitive bullshit that I hear everyday.
I hope you realise that it's you who's slowly pushing me away.
I hope you realise that as you're pushing me away, there's always someone there to comfort me instead.
I hope you realise that I'm not going to make an effort to find a solution because there never is one.
I hope you realise I'm trying to find a way out.
I hope you realise that I'm working as hard as fuck to find that way out.
And I hope you realise that I won't be censoring what I write in my blog anymore.
Monday, November 17, 2008
Jaywalking
Tuesday, 18 November 2008 @ 1.30pm
When I'm driving and I see someone waiting at the side of the road to cross the zebra walk, I'll stop and let them pass. And without any acknowledgement or thankfulness, they STRUT across the road. Yes I understand they've been given a right to cross at the pedestrian walk, but do they really have to take their own sweet time walking across the road?!? To top that off, they also give you that look. That look! Arggghh!!!
Now that I've started parking across the road from my new office (I can only afford to get the monthly pass for the parking in the building when I get my pay next month - it's RM300!!!! With deposit for first month la, but still!!), I've had to take what has come to be known as my suicidal attempts to cross this road twice a day.
For RM4 for the whole day, I get to leave Lily in the hot sun for the whole day. And for that price, I take my suicidal journey to cross the road. And mind you, there are TWO roads that needs to be crossed to reach the other side!
Here are some tips on how to cross "safely":
1. Don't cross alone. There's always about 25 other people waiting by the side of the road waiting for that perfect moment to run across with the hopes that they won't (1) get hit by a car/bus/lorry/motorbike (2) get called "bodoh" while crossing and (3) get their belongings stolen by some fucker on a bike.
2. Watch for blinking indicators. Your best bet to attempt crossing the road - and oh, by the way, there's no traffic light where I'm crossing but three lanes (on each side, which makes six altogether!) to worry about - is when you see a car signalling to drive into the lot where you car is parked. Opportunity! Take it and run!
3. Follow the leader. In the 25 people (including you) waiting by the road side, there will always be ONE person who will stand at the very end and he (or sometimes she - usually an older chinese lady) will take a step forward. That's our signal to be prepared to follow him. Besides, if anything happens, he gets hit first. Lessens the impact.
4. Watch for bikes. They really come out of nowhere! And they tend to purposely go a little faster when approaching you.
So till I get my pay (please let it be next week), I will be attempting suicide at about 8.50am every morning and 7pm every evening. By the way, did I forget to mention that this is in one of the busiest roads in the city? Pray for me people. Or you can always loan me RM300 ;P
When I'm driving and I see someone waiting at the side of the road to cross the zebra walk, I'll stop and let them pass. And without any acknowledgement or thankfulness, they STRUT across the road. Yes I understand they've been given a right to cross at the pedestrian walk, but do they really have to take their own sweet time walking across the road?!? To top that off, they also give you that look. That look! Arggghh!!!
Now that I've started parking across the road from my new office (I can only afford to get the monthly pass for the parking in the building when I get my pay next month - it's RM300!!!! With deposit for first month la, but still!!), I've had to take what has come to be known as my suicidal attempts to cross this road twice a day.
For RM4 for the whole day, I get to leave Lily in the hot sun for the whole day. And for that price, I take my suicidal journey to cross the road. And mind you, there are TWO roads that needs to be crossed to reach the other side!
Here are some tips on how to cross "safely":
1. Don't cross alone. There's always about 25 other people waiting by the side of the road waiting for that perfect moment to run across with the hopes that they won't (1) get hit by a car/bus/lorry/motorbike (2) get called "bodoh" while crossing and (3) get their belongings stolen by some fucker on a bike.
2. Watch for blinking indicators. Your best bet to attempt crossing the road - and oh, by the way, there's no traffic light where I'm crossing but three lanes (on each side, which makes six altogether!) to worry about - is when you see a car signalling to drive into the lot where you car is parked. Opportunity! Take it and run!
3. Follow the leader. In the 25 people (including you) waiting by the road side, there will always be ONE person who will stand at the very end and he (or sometimes she - usually an older chinese lady) will take a step forward. That's our signal to be prepared to follow him. Besides, if anything happens, he gets hit first. Lessens the impact.
4. Watch for bikes. They really come out of nowhere! And they tend to purposely go a little faster when approaching you.
So till I get my pay (please let it be next week), I will be attempting suicide at about 8.50am every morning and 7pm every evening. By the way, did I forget to mention that this is in one of the busiest roads in the city? Pray for me people. Or you can always loan me RM300 ;P
Culture Shock
Monday, 17 November 2008 @ 6.28pm
Our personal identity is framed by the community we live in. Part of the way we see ourselves is in relation to other people, as belonging to this or that group. Your personal identity becomes somewhat threatened when your familiar community is replaced by foreign landscapes, people and lifestyles. People respond with varying degrees of anxiety and confusion. This is what is referred to as Culture Shock.
I read that and it hit me. That's my problem. That's why I've been feeling grumpy and depressed! Ok, let's start over. No, I haven't migrated anywhere. I've just changed jobs.
For two years, I worked as an Editor. While there, I also developed a skill in which my bosses entrusted me to play the role of (what I like to call it) "half AE". It's been a blessing in disguise. I've been able to hone my skills dealing with clients. So much so that I now work as an AE. I never prepared myself for the change. I just thought, different location, different people, different job scope. WRONG!
Travel
While I was at Trix, I had to wake up at 6.45am and leave the house before 7.30am so I could beat traffic and get a sweet parking spot. Usually reaching work before 8.30am, that gave me the luxury to relax and sort out breakfast and work for the day before anyone else had even walked into the office. 9am was coffee and chat with Ina. Work, work, work till 1pm for lunch. (I miss A la carte and mamak and pak cik mahal :( boo hoo!) 2pm was back into office and work, work, work till about 7pm.
Now I'm at Mega Ads, I can wake up at 8am and still be at least 15 to 20 minutes early for work. There's no traffic to beat (save for the traffic lights before the junction) and parking is right around the corner after the lights. I now have to risk my life twice a day, EVERY DAY, to cross the road (which I will be blogging about later). I'll spend about ten minutes at the downstairs shop and buy my burger ayam (RM1.80 ;P). By the time I take the lift up, office is still closed. And of course being the eager newbie, the only thing I have is the access card to get in and get out. Another ten minutes waiting for Venny or Sophia to open the door. Breakfast here is whenever I feel like. And it's usually when Nikki or Amira kacau me. Lunch is not at 1pm on the dot. You hear your tummy rumble, go and eat. Even if I leave the office at 7pm, I'll reach home less than ten minutes later!!! Argghhh!!!!!
I now don't bother switching on the radio or even choosing a CD for the ride because there is no ride! I'm trying to wake up as late as possible and leave the house as late as possible but I still manage to arrive extra early.
Office Politics
At Trix, it took a while for people to warm up to me. Especially designers. It was a process of me having to brave going into the studio and menyibuk-ing to start building a relationship with them. At the end of my two years there, I can safely say that although I only count Ina as a real friend, Rachel as someone whom I'll probably meet once in a while and the rest as colleagues. I had a good relationship with them all and found ways of how to work with each and every one of them over time. Not all designers have the same working methods you know.
Here, people are friendlier and there's no real line between boss and staff. We still give that certain amount of respect to our superiors and our bosses, but I can still talk to them about anything. They know I have Eddie. They know he comes to see me for lunch once or twice a week. They know I'm vain and have already sorted my mirror and perfume on my second day here. They know I like Oreos. And they know I take at least half an hour or an hour each day to read Star and Harian Metro. In that order.
Change
When I read that article about culture shock, it hit me. Although I gave my two month notice at Trix, I never really prepared myself for change. I just thought it'd be the same...but different. Know what I mean ;P It's because of this culture shock that I've been bitchy. Even to Eddie. Poor baby.
I've been so used to listening to radio and choosing a CD every evening. No more. I'm so used to working environment and clients there. I'm meeting my first client tomorrow. I'm so used to waking up early. No more. I'm so used to morning traffic, rush hour traffic, Friday evening traffic... No more.
I've been pulled out of my comfort zone and I now have to create a new one. Yesterday I said I don't want to be an AE. But I've decided not to pull out. I'm giving myself two more years. I ain't a quitter. I'm going to work as hard as I did at Trix. But if I happen to get called up for an interview (with jobs that I'll just apply for fun hehehe), then maybe... who knows? ;P
Our personal identity is framed by the community we live in. Part of the way we see ourselves is in relation to other people, as belonging to this or that group. Your personal identity becomes somewhat threatened when your familiar community is replaced by foreign landscapes, people and lifestyles. People respond with varying degrees of anxiety and confusion. This is what is referred to as Culture Shock.
I read that and it hit me. That's my problem. That's why I've been feeling grumpy and depressed! Ok, let's start over. No, I haven't migrated anywhere. I've just changed jobs.
For two years, I worked as an Editor. While there, I also developed a skill in which my bosses entrusted me to play the role of (what I like to call it) "half AE". It's been a blessing in disguise. I've been able to hone my skills dealing with clients. So much so that I now work as an AE. I never prepared myself for the change. I just thought, different location, different people, different job scope. WRONG!
Travel
While I was at Trix, I had to wake up at 6.45am and leave the house before 7.30am so I could beat traffic and get a sweet parking spot. Usually reaching work before 8.30am, that gave me the luxury to relax and sort out breakfast and work for the day before anyone else had even walked into the office. 9am was coffee and chat with Ina. Work, work, work till 1pm for lunch. (I miss A la carte and mamak and pak cik mahal :( boo hoo!) 2pm was back into office and work, work, work till about 7pm.
Now I'm at Mega Ads, I can wake up at 8am and still be at least 15 to 20 minutes early for work. There's no traffic to beat (save for the traffic lights before the junction) and parking is right around the corner after the lights. I now have to risk my life twice a day, EVERY DAY, to cross the road (which I will be blogging about later). I'll spend about ten minutes at the downstairs shop and buy my burger ayam (RM1.80 ;P). By the time I take the lift up, office is still closed. And of course being the eager newbie, the only thing I have is the access card to get in and get out. Another ten minutes waiting for Venny or Sophia to open the door. Breakfast here is whenever I feel like. And it's usually when Nikki or Amira kacau me. Lunch is not at 1pm on the dot. You hear your tummy rumble, go and eat. Even if I leave the office at 7pm, I'll reach home less than ten minutes later!!! Argghhh!!!!!
I now don't bother switching on the radio or even choosing a CD for the ride because there is no ride! I'm trying to wake up as late as possible and leave the house as late as possible but I still manage to arrive extra early.
Office Politics
At Trix, it took a while for people to warm up to me. Especially designers. It was a process of me having to brave going into the studio and menyibuk-ing to start building a relationship with them. At the end of my two years there, I can safely say that although I only count Ina as a real friend, Rachel as someone whom I'll probably meet once in a while and the rest as colleagues. I had a good relationship with them all and found ways of how to work with each and every one of them over time. Not all designers have the same working methods you know.
Here, people are friendlier and there's no real line between boss and staff. We still give that certain amount of respect to our superiors and our bosses, but I can still talk to them about anything. They know I have Eddie. They know he comes to see me for lunch once or twice a week. They know I'm vain and have already sorted my mirror and perfume on my second day here. They know I like Oreos. And they know I take at least half an hour or an hour each day to read Star and Harian Metro. In that order.
Change
When I read that article about culture shock, it hit me. Although I gave my two month notice at Trix, I never really prepared myself for change. I just thought it'd be the same...but different. Know what I mean ;P It's because of this culture shock that I've been bitchy. Even to Eddie. Poor baby.
I've been so used to listening to radio and choosing a CD every evening. No more. I'm so used to working environment and clients there. I'm meeting my first client tomorrow. I'm so used to waking up early. No more. I'm so used to morning traffic, rush hour traffic, Friday evening traffic... No more.
I've been pulled out of my comfort zone and I now have to create a new one. Yesterday I said I don't want to be an AE. But I've decided not to pull out. I'm giving myself two more years. I ain't a quitter. I'm going to work as hard as I did at Trix. But if I happen to get called up for an interview (with jobs that I'll just apply for fun hehehe), then maybe... who knows? ;P
Sunday, November 16, 2008
Thursday, November 13, 2008
Escape
Friday, 14 November 2008 @ 9.50am
Last night I spent an hour in bed thinking of some place to go where I can be alone, where no one will recognise me and where I can't be found. I couldn't think of one.
I can't go to Antarabangsa. I can't go to GE. I can't go to Curve. I can't go to KLCC. I can't go to Bangsar. I can't go to Pavilion. I realised that every single place where I used to go to escape is now a place where people I know come find me, or I go to kacau them.
I need some space. From morning to night, somebody needs something from me. A question answered. Work to be done. A place to live. Help for something. Everybody is pulling me this way and that. I can't breathe anymore.
I can't switch off my phone. I can't run away from home. Cause I don't know where to go where no one will find me.
Last night I spent an hour in bed thinking of some place to go where I can be alone, where no one will recognise me and where I can't be found. I couldn't think of one.
I can't go to Antarabangsa. I can't go to GE. I can't go to Curve. I can't go to KLCC. I can't go to Bangsar. I can't go to Pavilion. I realised that every single place where I used to go to escape is now a place where people I know come find me, or I go to kacau them.
I need some space. From morning to night, somebody needs something from me. A question answered. Work to be done. A place to live. Help for something. Everybody is pulling me this way and that. I can't breathe anymore.
I can't switch off my phone. I can't run away from home. Cause I don't know where to go where no one will find me.
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
He was called Sulaiman
Thursday, 13 November 2008 @ 3.20pm
I first met Dad when I was 11 years old. He was an unsmiling, chain-smoking man who used to send and fetch Steph whenever she wanted to see me or spend the night at my house. The first few times I met him, I was terrified of him. But over time, I discovered he was a cheerful happy guy who always tried to make you laugh. He was extremely jovial.
I remember when Steph and I were about 13 years old, we were at her house. It was near Christmas time (I remember this because we were deciding what we could 'recycle' to give as gifts to Dad and Mum). Dad had left his cigarettes on the coffee table in the living room. We were trying to steal a few sticks so we could run to the back of the apartments to smoke it. Success! Hhehehe... Dad only found out when we told him what happened a few months ago. We also tried to impress him by cooking him and Mum spaghetti (Dad wasn't always around. He always had work or somewhere else to go). Remembering his "mmmm" we were happy, but now... he probably just said it to make us happy :)
When Mum and Dad split, Steph took it hard. She was Daddy's little girl. We were about 14 or 15 at the time. Being the best friend, I naturally took Steph's side. I started to get angry with Dad too. It was him who was making Mum cry. And him who was making her go out and drink more. Over the years, things got better. But I didn't see him again till I was about 18 or 19. Things were still tough because the air was still tense when Mum was there. Steph was trying to be diplomatic and please both sides. I was the shoulder she'd cry on when we went home later.
Since moving back to KL a few years ago, Steph started to spend more time with him. She started bringing me along too about two years ago. It was during CNY because he gave me ang pow. He told me to lose weight :) Then he said he was happy that I was Editor and laughed. He was back :)
Since then, Steph and I started to spend more time with him. For lunches and dinners, and just visitin ghim at his pub. He always told me jokes. And he always made me sit next to him. If there wasn't space, he told me to sit on his lap. Then told me to get off cause I was too heavy. A lot of times, he would just burst into song. And he made sure I never looked away. If I did, he'd just sing louder.
Steph and I were at his place one day and then he said, "Did you know I'm a Muslim? Yes. I converted five years ago." I knew. Steph told me she'd found some pictures of him getting married in some place in Arab or somewhere. That woman was long gone then. But he told me the whole history of Islam and the good and the bad.
Two nights ago, Dad passed away. The only chance I got to say bye one last time was when I saw his body in the 'rumah mayat'. He was wrapped except for his face. It looked like he had a smile on his face. I didn't really wanna see. I was waiting outside when Steph and Mum went inside. Then Steph sent me a text saying, "wanna see Dad one last time?" Under the sheet, he was still wearing the hospital gown. They wanted us to see him before they washed and wrapped him. We went outside again and got to reminiscing...
I got to eat his fish curry. Steph and I annoyed him so much in the kitchen of his restaurant while he was making us fresh durian pancakes that he chased us out (we were constantly asking him all the names of the spices we saw, but before he could answer we were already asking about the next one). We got to celebrate his last birthday with him this year. He introduced me to everyone as his daughter. When Steph gave a grumpy face, he'd say, "oh, this is my adopted daughter." About Steph! :)
There was once I went along with Steph to pick him up. He didn't know I was coming. He saw Steph and just walked to the passenger side. When he saw me, his face lit up and he started clapping like a little kid :) Steph still tells everyone and (jokingly I hope) hits me about it.
It never really hit me that he was gone until they were loading him on the trolley to be placed into the van. On the way to the kubur, Steph and I broke down a few times. Mum was taking photos (we were following directly behind the van in a row of about 12 cars). It only felt final when the Earth's soil was covering him. There were endless tears. Dad's brother was inconsolable. And Dad's granddaughter almost fainted when we were saying prayers.
He was called Sulaiman. And I will forever regret cancelling that fishing trip with him and Steph. We were supposed to go to Penang and eat to our heart's content. I guess Steph and I will be eating on his part now.
Bye Dad.
I first met Dad when I was 11 years old. He was an unsmiling, chain-smoking man who used to send and fetch Steph whenever she wanted to see me or spend the night at my house. The first few times I met him, I was terrified of him. But over time, I discovered he was a cheerful happy guy who always tried to make you laugh. He was extremely jovial.
I remember when Steph and I were about 13 years old, we were at her house. It was near Christmas time (I remember this because we were deciding what we could 'recycle' to give as gifts to Dad and Mum). Dad had left his cigarettes on the coffee table in the living room. We were trying to steal a few sticks so we could run to the back of the apartments to smoke it. Success! Hhehehe... Dad only found out when we told him what happened a few months ago. We also tried to impress him by cooking him and Mum spaghetti (Dad wasn't always around. He always had work or somewhere else to go). Remembering his "mmmm" we were happy, but now... he probably just said it to make us happy :)
When Mum and Dad split, Steph took it hard. She was Daddy's little girl. We were about 14 or 15 at the time. Being the best friend, I naturally took Steph's side. I started to get angry with Dad too. It was him who was making Mum cry. And him who was making her go out and drink more. Over the years, things got better. But I didn't see him again till I was about 18 or 19. Things were still tough because the air was still tense when Mum was there. Steph was trying to be diplomatic and please both sides. I was the shoulder she'd cry on when we went home later.
Since moving back to KL a few years ago, Steph started to spend more time with him. She started bringing me along too about two years ago. It was during CNY because he gave me ang pow. He told me to lose weight :) Then he said he was happy that I was Editor and laughed. He was back :)
Since then, Steph and I started to spend more time with him. For lunches and dinners, and just visitin ghim at his pub. He always told me jokes. And he always made me sit next to him. If there wasn't space, he told me to sit on his lap. Then told me to get off cause I was too heavy. A lot of times, he would just burst into song. And he made sure I never looked away. If I did, he'd just sing louder.
Steph and I were at his place one day and then he said, "Did you know I'm a Muslim? Yes. I converted five years ago." I knew. Steph told me she'd found some pictures of him getting married in some place in Arab or somewhere. That woman was long gone then. But he told me the whole history of Islam and the good and the bad.
Two nights ago, Dad passed away. The only chance I got to say bye one last time was when I saw his body in the 'rumah mayat'. He was wrapped except for his face. It looked like he had a smile on his face. I didn't really wanna see. I was waiting outside when Steph and Mum went inside. Then Steph sent me a text saying, "wanna see Dad one last time?" Under the sheet, he was still wearing the hospital gown. They wanted us to see him before they washed and wrapped him. We went outside again and got to reminiscing...
I got to eat his fish curry. Steph and I annoyed him so much in the kitchen of his restaurant while he was making us fresh durian pancakes that he chased us out (we were constantly asking him all the names of the spices we saw, but before he could answer we were already asking about the next one). We got to celebrate his last birthday with him this year. He introduced me to everyone as his daughter. When Steph gave a grumpy face, he'd say, "oh, this is my adopted daughter." About Steph! :)
There was once I went along with Steph to pick him up. He didn't know I was coming. He saw Steph and just walked to the passenger side. When he saw me, his face lit up and he started clapping like a little kid :) Steph still tells everyone and (jokingly I hope) hits me about it.
It never really hit me that he was gone until they were loading him on the trolley to be placed into the van. On the way to the kubur, Steph and I broke down a few times. Mum was taking photos (we were following directly behind the van in a row of about 12 cars). It only felt final when the Earth's soil was covering him. There were endless tears. Dad's brother was inconsolable. And Dad's granddaughter almost fainted when we were saying prayers.
He was called Sulaiman. And I will forever regret cancelling that fishing trip with him and Steph. We were supposed to go to Penang and eat to our heart's content. I guess Steph and I will be eating on his part now.
Bye Dad.
Monday, November 10, 2008
Grow up
Tuesday, 11 November 2008 @ 11.40am
People come in all shapes and sizes. They also come with all sorts of attitudes. There are those you meet and instantly click with. There are also those that you just have nothing to say, no matter how many often you see each other. Then there are the rest who really make you wonder.
As a child, you're protected and sheltered from the big bad world. Then your parents will slowly let you learn and feel the pain as you're reaching adulthood in hopes that you would be able to cope with the reality of life. The result (usually) is a capable young person learning to find his or her place in the world. However, when you're 23 and your father still needs to accompany you to the ATM to withdraw as little as RM50 in broad daylight...something is seriously wrong.
Being a 20-something working woman in today's world is a far cry from what 20-something working women were like 20 something years ago. The general perception of a young woman today who earns her own money is usually that she's independent, sociable and determined. However...
Imagine this. I know a 23-year old woman (or should I call her girl?) who sleeps at 9pm and wakes up at 5am to play games online! No, there's nothing wrong in all that. But what if that's all she wants to do? A little bit of hard work and you get a tight face. You tell her how to greet clients and hold a business card (which should be basic) and she cries. You express your frustration on facebook and she deletes you from her friends list.
How do you deal with a person who complains when she has to stay back at work? (Bitch, you're an Editor. Live with it.) How do you deal with a person who cries when you're teaching her something right? For example, "it's rude to yawn in front of people", "make sure you're not distracted when with a client", "don't look bored", sit up straight", "put the book/phone away" and "answer the office phone". How do you deal with a person who goes to a person's Raya open house, brings a book and reads it! How do you deal with a person who always has something to answer back? (When I told her to stop yawning in front of people because it's RUDE, her reply was, "oh, that's one of my little quirks.) @*&&^$(*#(($!!!
I could use all the swear words I know under the sun. But the good thing is, she's not my problem anymore. However, I'm concerned. She was my replacement. I did a damn good job when I was an Editor there. I had a good reputation with clients and just because I left doesn't mean that I want the company to go down. She's a whingy little brat and I don't want her to be my legacy. Grow up, child.
People come in all shapes and sizes. They also come with all sorts of attitudes. There are those you meet and instantly click with. There are also those that you just have nothing to say, no matter how many often you see each other. Then there are the rest who really make you wonder.
As a child, you're protected and sheltered from the big bad world. Then your parents will slowly let you learn and feel the pain as you're reaching adulthood in hopes that you would be able to cope with the reality of life. The result (usually) is a capable young person learning to find his or her place in the world. However, when you're 23 and your father still needs to accompany you to the ATM to withdraw as little as RM50 in broad daylight...something is seriously wrong.
Being a 20-something working woman in today's world is a far cry from what 20-something working women were like 20 something years ago. The general perception of a young woman today who earns her own money is usually that she's independent, sociable and determined. However...
Imagine this. I know a 23-year old woman (or should I call her girl?) who sleeps at 9pm and wakes up at 5am to play games online! No, there's nothing wrong in all that. But what if that's all she wants to do? A little bit of hard work and you get a tight face. You tell her how to greet clients and hold a business card (which should be basic) and she cries. You express your frustration on facebook and she deletes you from her friends list.
How do you deal with a person who complains when she has to stay back at work? (Bitch, you're an Editor. Live with it.) How do you deal with a person who cries when you're teaching her something right? For example, "it's rude to yawn in front of people", "make sure you're not distracted when with a client", "don't look bored", sit up straight", "put the book/phone away" and "answer the office phone". How do you deal with a person who goes to a person's Raya open house, brings a book and reads it! How do you deal with a person who always has something to answer back? (When I told her to stop yawning in front of people because it's RUDE, her reply was, "oh, that's one of my little quirks.) @*&&^$(*#(($!!!
I could use all the swear words I know under the sun. But the good thing is, she's not my problem anymore. However, I'm concerned. She was my replacement. I did a damn good job when I was an Editor there. I had a good reputation with clients and just because I left doesn't mean that I want the company to go down. She's a whingy little brat and I don't want her to be my legacy. Grow up, child.
Overworked and underpaid
Monday, 10 November 2008 @ 11.15pm
I'm an AE for Mega Advertising. I'm the Events Manager and Board of Director for Koperasi Sinar Bestari (Kostari). And I'm a teacher at Get Crafty. I'm practically working ALL the time. I don't get enough sleep. I don't have enough time to socialise. And I never have enough money. But I'm loving EVERY minute of it. I feel like I'm living my life to the fullest and doing all that I can at this young age.
I don't regret spending more than I make and I don't regret being overworked and underpaid. I'm doing this for the experience. I'm doing this so I can do all that I can in this very short life that we have.
I may only be 24 but that went by in a flash. In ten years time, if I hadn't done all that I could now, would I regret it? I think so. Some time down the road I'm going to wonder how I managed to work all day, go out at night, barely sleep at night before starting it all again the next day. I haven't had an off day since...hmm...what does an off day feel like? The last I remembered even feeling relaxed was a year ago when I spent at least once a week at Alexis by myself for hours.
But I'm not complaining. I'm just wondering when things will fall into place. I'm ready for that next level. I'm just not sure whether it's ready for me ;)
I'm an AE for Mega Advertising. I'm the Events Manager and Board of Director for Koperasi Sinar Bestari (Kostari). And I'm a teacher at Get Crafty. I'm practically working ALL the time. I don't get enough sleep. I don't have enough time to socialise. And I never have enough money. But I'm loving EVERY minute of it. I feel like I'm living my life to the fullest and doing all that I can at this young age.
I don't regret spending more than I make and I don't regret being overworked and underpaid. I'm doing this for the experience. I'm doing this so I can do all that I can in this very short life that we have.
I may only be 24 but that went by in a flash. In ten years time, if I hadn't done all that I could now, would I regret it? I think so. Some time down the road I'm going to wonder how I managed to work all day, go out at night, barely sleep at night before starting it all again the next day. I haven't had an off day since...hmm...what does an off day feel like? The last I remembered even feeling relaxed was a year ago when I spent at least once a week at Alexis by myself for hours.
But I'm not complaining. I'm just wondering when things will fall into place. I'm ready for that next level. I'm just not sure whether it's ready for me ;)
Thursday, November 6, 2008
AE
Friday, 7 November 2008 @ 1.17pm
I still find myself thinking like an Editor. I'm still working and functioning as one. Yes, I've been part AE but my core was an Editor. I dealt with words. I dealt with designers. I was in control.
This is a whole new ballgame for me. I'm dealing SOLELY with clients. Yes, I've had experience with clients, but now I'm ONLY dealing with clients. I don't need to worry about the whole process because the next time I see the product will be at the mock up stage.
What happened to me organising and writing? And doing the pagination? And briefing designers? And brainstorming? Is it really all gone? I've been sitting here for the last two and a half days and I'm still not used to it. I feel like the other half of me has been torn away.
It takes time. Yes I know. I'm not worried or panicking about being an AE. I just need to learn how to deal with invoices, and quotations and handling media. I've been asked to help strategise on a re-branding for our client so we can present our proposal at the end of the month. The only way I know how is to research, use contacts and write a report. Is that what an AE does? I dunno. That's what an Editor does.
I'm confused. But let me get the hang of it. I'll wow them. And if I ever go back to working as a writer/editor, then there'll probably be a new post saying, "I'm an AE. How do I work and function as a writer/editor?"
I still find myself thinking like an Editor. I'm still working and functioning as one. Yes, I've been part AE but my core was an Editor. I dealt with words. I dealt with designers. I was in control.
This is a whole new ballgame for me. I'm dealing SOLELY with clients. Yes, I've had experience with clients, but now I'm ONLY dealing with clients. I don't need to worry about the whole process because the next time I see the product will be at the mock up stage.
What happened to me organising and writing? And doing the pagination? And briefing designers? And brainstorming? Is it really all gone? I've been sitting here for the last two and a half days and I'm still not used to it. I feel like the other half of me has been torn away.
It takes time. Yes I know. I'm not worried or panicking about being an AE. I just need to learn how to deal with invoices, and quotations and handling media. I've been asked to help strategise on a re-branding for our client so we can present our proposal at the end of the month. The only way I know how is to research, use contacts and write a report. Is that what an AE does? I dunno. That's what an Editor does.
I'm confused. But let me get the hang of it. I'll wow them. And if I ever go back to working as a writer/editor, then there'll probably be a new post saying, "I'm an AE. How do I work and function as a writer/editor?"
Sunday, November 2, 2008
Vulnerable
Sunday, 2 November 2008 @ 11.59pm
My heart is crying, and I can't tell any of you why. I sit alone, tears are spilling on my lap. It's uncontrollable and it's been pent up for too damn long. I can barely see.
I'm not allowed to say why because I don't know who's reading this now. I'm not allowed to talk to any of you because I've been hiding for too damn long already. It's too late to start now.
I can't talk to my family about my friends. I can't talk to my friends about my family. I can't talk to you about either. I have no one to turn to and I really don't know what else to do. Can I continue this charade? This facade that shows that I'm well and capable and fine?
It's all a lie. It's all lies. I'm falling apart and I can't tell or show any of you. I wanna go away. But I don't know where. I wanna just go on with my life. But I can't seem to do that. Something's always wrong. Something's always going on. I can't sit and concentrate. Not anymore.
I cry in the shower now. I cry while I drive. I cry myself to sleep. But none of you know. I confess I'm not perfect and I'm trying my best to keep it all together. I will probably regret writing this because I don't want any of you to know. But I have nowhere else to turn. What should I do now?
I don't need fake smiles. I don't need half-assed sympathy one liners. If you can't help me, don't give me false hope. If you couldn't care less, just say so. I made a mistake breaking that wall around my heart. Now I think I'm going to have to build it up again.
My heart is crying, and I can't tell any of you why. I sit alone, tears are spilling on my lap. It's uncontrollable and it's been pent up for too damn long. I can barely see.
I'm not allowed to say why because I don't know who's reading this now. I'm not allowed to talk to any of you because I've been hiding for too damn long already. It's too late to start now.
I can't talk to my family about my friends. I can't talk to my friends about my family. I can't talk to you about either. I have no one to turn to and I really don't know what else to do. Can I continue this charade? This facade that shows that I'm well and capable and fine?
It's all a lie. It's all lies. I'm falling apart and I can't tell or show any of you. I wanna go away. But I don't know where. I wanna just go on with my life. But I can't seem to do that. Something's always wrong. Something's always going on. I can't sit and concentrate. Not anymore.
I cry in the shower now. I cry while I drive. I cry myself to sleep. But none of you know. I confess I'm not perfect and I'm trying my best to keep it all together. I will probably regret writing this because I don't want any of you to know. But I have nowhere else to turn. What should I do now?
I don't need fake smiles. I don't need half-assed sympathy one liners. If you can't help me, don't give me false hope. If you couldn't care less, just say so. I made a mistake breaking that wall around my heart. Now I think I'm going to have to build it up again.
Friday, October 31, 2008
Thank you
Friday, 31 October 2008 @ 7.39pm
Thank you for making an effort to improve yourself to make my life better.
Thank you for wanting to study back again.
Thank you for giving everything that I ask for and more.
Thank you for always being there for me when I need you.
Thank you for making funny faces at me to try and make me smile.
Thank you for making an effort with my friends.
Thank you for making an effort with my family.
Thank you for pushing me and allowing me to be a part of your family.
Thank you for loving Cutie as much as I do.
Thank you for loving Chubby as much as I do.
Thank you for treating I**** as one of the boys.
Thank you for loving me the way that you do.
Thank you for holding my hand when we're stuck in traffic.
Thank you for servicing my car.
Thank you for always wanting to be with me.
Thank you for all the times that you stand next to me against traffic when we're crossing a busy road.
Thank you for always wanting to feed me :)
Thank you for letting me be myself.
Thank you for teaching me things that I was always too shy or too afraid to ask.
Thank you for giving me a second chance.
Thank you for trusting me again.
Thank you for making an effort to improve yourself to make my life better.
Thank you for wanting to study back again.
Thank you for giving everything that I ask for and more.
Thank you for always being there for me when I need you.
Thank you for making funny faces at me to try and make me smile.
Thank you for making an effort with my friends.
Thank you for making an effort with my family.
Thank you for pushing me and allowing me to be a part of your family.
Thank you for loving Cutie as much as I do.
Thank you for loving Chubby as much as I do.
Thank you for treating I**** as one of the boys.
Thank you for loving me the way that you do.
Thank you for holding my hand when we're stuck in traffic.
Thank you for servicing my car.
Thank you for always wanting to be with me.
Thank you for all the times that you stand next to me against traffic when we're crossing a busy road.
Thank you for always wanting to feed me :)
Thank you for letting me be myself.
Thank you for teaching me things that I was always too shy or too afraid to ask.
Thank you for giving me a second chance.
Thank you for trusting me again.
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
Heartache and a stupid move
Thursday, 30 October 2008 @ 10.57am
There are two things that I want to rant about now. The first involves personal feelings that I have been confused about in the last few weeks. And the second is the stupidest move that I have ever made in my 24 years of existence.
Heartache
I don't know why I feel this way. I don't understand it. You're there. Then you're not there. I'm with you but I feel alone. What the fuck is going on? It's hard enough to see you and when I do I don't see the point of it at all. WTF? WTF? WTF? Why bother meeting if it's just for you to read the paper and me a magazine? Or to watch TV and play games? We were supposed to have that talk. Have you forgotten? You'll never know how I feel because you never read this blog. And I'll never tell you how I feel because I'm fed up of being the one who initiates conversations.
You're pushing me away. And you'll never know that. There's someone else giving me more attention than you. But you'll never see. I'll never do anything to betray you but I feel like I already am. I cannot feel this way anymore. I won't tell you I wrote this. If you never read this, then you'll never know.
A Stupid Move
So I forgot that Palembang is in Indonesia. I'd already bought the ticket for Andre's wedding in July. Little did I realise that the day I purchased the ticket was also the day that my passport expired. No worries right? There's plenty of time to re-new it. Problem is, the flight is this Saturday and it didn't even occur to me that I would need my passport. It was only by a chance conversation that I was having with my father in the car that went something like this:
Papa (P): "So when are you going to Palembang?"
Me (M): "This Saturday."
P: "When are you going to Singapore?"
M: "January."
P: "Have you checked your passport? Make sure it's not expired."
M (frowning in confusion): "I'm going to Singapore in January. I've got plenty more time to worry about my passport."
P: "Hey! If you're going to Palembang this Saturday, make sure that your passport is not expired. If not, how are you going to fly out?"
I was silent. My brain was slowly beginning to understand. Palembang. Indonesia. Out of country. OH. It was only then that I got it. I need a passport to fly out to Palembang. Papa was still nagging to me about the passport. Ooopsss...sorry Andre!
So the point is...I'm not going to Palembang this weekend after all. Quatro anyone?
There are two things that I want to rant about now. The first involves personal feelings that I have been confused about in the last few weeks. And the second is the stupidest move that I have ever made in my 24 years of existence.
Heartache
I don't know why I feel this way. I don't understand it. You're there. Then you're not there. I'm with you but I feel alone. What the fuck is going on? It's hard enough to see you and when I do I don't see the point of it at all. WTF? WTF? WTF? Why bother meeting if it's just for you to read the paper and me a magazine? Or to watch TV and play games? We were supposed to have that talk. Have you forgotten? You'll never know how I feel because you never read this blog. And I'll never tell you how I feel because I'm fed up of being the one who initiates conversations.
You're pushing me away. And you'll never know that. There's someone else giving me more attention than you. But you'll never see. I'll never do anything to betray you but I feel like I already am. I cannot feel this way anymore. I won't tell you I wrote this. If you never read this, then you'll never know.
A Stupid Move
So I forgot that Palembang is in Indonesia. I'd already bought the ticket for Andre's wedding in July. Little did I realise that the day I purchased the ticket was also the day that my passport expired. No worries right? There's plenty of time to re-new it. Problem is, the flight is this Saturday and it didn't even occur to me that I would need my passport. It was only by a chance conversation that I was having with my father in the car that went something like this:
Papa (P): "So when are you going to Palembang?"
Me (M): "This Saturday."
P: "When are you going to Singapore?"
M: "January."
P: "Have you checked your passport? Make sure it's not expired."
M (frowning in confusion): "I'm going to Singapore in January. I've got plenty more time to worry about my passport."
P: "Hey! If you're going to Palembang this Saturday, make sure that your passport is not expired. If not, how are you going to fly out?"
I was silent. My brain was slowly beginning to understand. Palembang. Indonesia. Out of country. OH. It was only then that I got it. I need a passport to fly out to Palembang. Papa was still nagging to me about the passport. Ooopsss...sorry Andre!
So the point is...I'm not going to Palembang this weekend after all. Quatro anyone?
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
Mrs H
Wednesday, 29 October 2008 @ 11.21am
In my almost two years working at Trix, I have had numerous meetings with Mrs H, the VP of Communications, and her subordinate, Ms I. They are one of our major clients, and one who has been with Trix for about ten or so years. So it's quite safe to say that they've been very happy with our service. Mrs H is very hands on with her work, be it newsletters, posters, buntings, or even a bookmark.
The very first time I met her was about a year and a half ago. I was a freshie out of uni and also a freshie at Trix. It was probably only my third or fourth time out of the office then. Ms I had specifically requested for me to come meet her upon Mrs H's request. When I first stepped into her office, she was sitting at her desk by the computer, busy typing away. She briefly looked up and said, "Oh hi Mr Loh" (obviously referring to my boss). She and Mr Loh have had a long relationship - they have been working together even before she joined this company.
When Mrs H first met me, she was friendly but a little cool, probably sussing me out. During that first meeting, I was sussing out her office. She had windows for her walls. And although the view was of houses and buildings, it's still a fresh relief than the cubicle that I was stuck in for nine hours of the day. She also had lots of pictures - of her and her husband, and of her children. There was one of her in the hospital, holding her newborn with her husband kissing her forehead. You could tell she was a well-to-do woman who was passionate about her job and loved her family.
It was only at our second meeting that I managed to impress her. It was also then that we started building a working relationship. But the only times that we would really communicate were during face-to-face meetings. When I was working on their newsletter/poster/bunting etc., I would only deal with Ms I. Mrs H was the VP after all. I have never been sure of what she thought about me. She's always been friendly and always wanted my opinion. But I would only ever see her during meetings. So it was hard to gauge what she really thought of me.
Earlier this morning, I received a call from Mrs H about the newsletter which is due to be printed by today so we could deliver by next week. Ms I was on leave for the rest of the week and it was the first time that I had to discuss the final comments of the newsletter over the phone with Mrs H. At the end of the conversation, she said, "Can I ask you something?" (I was a little nervous now).
"Sure," I said.
"Where are you going?" (she was referring to my new job)
"Mega Ads." I replied.
"What company is that?"
I explained. Her reply shocked and pleased me all at the same time.
"Ok. When you're there, can you present your company to me? Actually, wherever you go, can you keep in touch? I like working with you and I want to continue working with you."
After thanking her and saying that I would contact her next week once I've officially started my new job, two thoughts struck to me.
1. Wow. This woman actually likes me and I've actually done a good enough job for her to want me to keep in contact with her.
2. YES! I'll be bringing in new business for my new company on the FIRST DAY that I join (bonus, bonus, bonus) AND I have another client I can bring into Kostari (another 4 percent) *rubbing my hands deviously while laughing a satanic laugh*
Not only did I discover that I have been doing a good job during my time at Trix, but I've also discovered that my work ethics as well as my personality (a part of it anyway) was well worth it. Being called Boss No 3 has really paid off.
It's also quite safe to say that that conversation has made my day. Muaahahahahahaha ;D
In my almost two years working at Trix, I have had numerous meetings with Mrs H, the VP of Communications, and her subordinate, Ms I. They are one of our major clients, and one who has been with Trix for about ten or so years. So it's quite safe to say that they've been very happy with our service. Mrs H is very hands on with her work, be it newsletters, posters, buntings, or even a bookmark.
The very first time I met her was about a year and a half ago. I was a freshie out of uni and also a freshie at Trix. It was probably only my third or fourth time out of the office then. Ms I had specifically requested for me to come meet her upon Mrs H's request. When I first stepped into her office, she was sitting at her desk by the computer, busy typing away. She briefly looked up and said, "Oh hi Mr Loh" (obviously referring to my boss). She and Mr Loh have had a long relationship - they have been working together even before she joined this company.
When Mrs H first met me, she was friendly but a little cool, probably sussing me out. During that first meeting, I was sussing out her office. She had windows for her walls. And although the view was of houses and buildings, it's still a fresh relief than the cubicle that I was stuck in for nine hours of the day. She also had lots of pictures - of her and her husband, and of her children. There was one of her in the hospital, holding her newborn with her husband kissing her forehead. You could tell she was a well-to-do woman who was passionate about her job and loved her family.
It was only at our second meeting that I managed to impress her. It was also then that we started building a working relationship. But the only times that we would really communicate were during face-to-face meetings. When I was working on their newsletter/poster/bunting etc., I would only deal with Ms I. Mrs H was the VP after all. I have never been sure of what she thought about me. She's always been friendly and always wanted my opinion. But I would only ever see her during meetings. So it was hard to gauge what she really thought of me.
Earlier this morning, I received a call from Mrs H about the newsletter which is due to be printed by today so we could deliver by next week. Ms I was on leave for the rest of the week and it was the first time that I had to discuss the final comments of the newsletter over the phone with Mrs H. At the end of the conversation, she said, "Can I ask you something?" (I was a little nervous now).
"Sure," I said.
"Where are you going?" (she was referring to my new job)
"Mega Ads." I replied.
"What company is that?"
I explained. Her reply shocked and pleased me all at the same time.
"Ok. When you're there, can you present your company to me? Actually, wherever you go, can you keep in touch? I like working with you and I want to continue working with you."
After thanking her and saying that I would contact her next week once I've officially started my new job, two thoughts struck to me.
1. Wow. This woman actually likes me and I've actually done a good enough job for her to want me to keep in contact with her.
2. YES! I'll be bringing in new business for my new company on the FIRST DAY that I join (bonus, bonus, bonus) AND I have another client I can bring into Kostari (another 4 percent) *rubbing my hands deviously while laughing a satanic laugh*
Not only did I discover that I have been doing a good job during my time at Trix, but I've also discovered that my work ethics as well as my personality (a part of it anyway) was well worth it. Being called Boss No 3 has really paid off.
It's also quite safe to say that that conversation has made my day. Muaahahahahahaha ;D
Monday, October 27, 2008
Anak Datuk
Tuesday, 28 October 2008 @ 12.05pm
I was folding Eddie's underwear when Frank Moore said, "You know Anna, honestly, I like you." I didn't freak out or think that he meant in a way more than a friend. He has Martha Moore after all. After stopping short, I continued folding and said, "Huh?" I didn't understand what he meant or where it came from. Then he said, "I like your style. Your personality. Even though you are who you are, you like to keep a low profile. You don't boast about who you know or who you are."
With a bewildered look on my face, I replied, "How else am I supposed to be?" Frank continues, "No I mean, I didn't even know who you are until we came here and we had to mention who your father is at the guardhouse. Usually, when I meet people like you, they wouldn't be the way you are." I immediately get defensive. "What do you mean the way I am?"
I actually already knew where he was going with it because I'd heard it a hundred times before. People meet me, they get to know me...then they come to my house. Then I get the "I didn't know you're 'anak Datuk'". When Frank said that, it was with such caution and it came out in almost a whisper. It was as though he was saying something taboo. People have always had an image of what an 'anak Datuk' should be like. Hell, even I know what they're like (I purposely say "they" and not "we" because I believe that I am anak Papa. He ain't no Datuk in my eyes).
The description of an anak Datuk goes something like this:
They are the epitome of labels. LV made the smart move of printing their name all over their products as anak Datuk's won't need to mention who they're wearing - it's right there on the bag. ALL OVER the bag.
They are arrogant and feel that they have the right and power to do and say as they please because they're father is a Datuk (eh, fuck you la).
They will only mix and mingle with those who are of the same standing. This is something I do not understand because I think it's bullshit. And it's this perception that I get the, "I didn't know you're an anak Datuk" line. I have anak Datuk friends. And I can safely say to you now that they have looked at me as though I'm some sort of alien because I have friends who are 'normal'.
They will ONLY speak English. Malay is forbidden and only used when forced upon them. They tend to forget that they themselves are Malay and have just as black an asshole as everyone else (I'm getting a little angry writing this. My apologies.)
They don't work because they have some sort of sick belief and thinking that their Datuk father will provide money to them for the rest of their lives (even when their Datuk father is no longer around). I have actually had looks of disgust by anak Datuk's when they find out I have a second job at Get Crafty. If their face could speak, it'd say, "Eeeeww... why are you doing work meant for minions?"
Kampungs are far away places that they don't want to be associated with. If they do, they will arm themselves with laptops and dvds and iPods to kill time instead of appreciating the life there.
Raya (or any other occasion for that matter) is a time to show off. It's a time to display new clothes and jewellery and the latest technological gadgets.
Granted, not everyone is like this and not every anak Datuk is this way. There are plenty of us out there (yes, "us") who work for their money, pay their own debts and help their fathers when he's getting older. But it's rare and it's sad to say that this stereotypical image of an anak Datuk is what is more widely known and used among society as they outnumber the rest of us.
I have nothing against Datuks - at least those who actually earn their way to get their title. I have no problem with these men and women who buy gadgets or houses and properties and "show it off". Hell, they worked their asses off and they earned it. The sad thing is, the Datins and the anak Datuks who are just long for the ride bitch and boast as though they are the ones who earned their way to a title.
I really hope that people and things will change. And I hope that one day people won't look at me and say, "wow, you're an anak Datuk and you're doing laundry." I'm not trying to say anything about our conversation that night Frank. It just got me thinking. You are probably the hundreth person to have said all those things to me and I always feel two things whenever I hear it. 1. I'm glad and I appreciate the fact that my friends have taken time to get to know me instead of wanting to know me because of who my father is. 2. Amused and a little sad. Amused because you all have a look that says, oohh...I have to be careful around her now (but thank God you all forget that and just treat me as normal). And sad because at the end of the day, I am and will always be...anak Datuk (*vomiting into a bucket*).
I was folding Eddie's underwear when Frank Moore said, "You know Anna, honestly, I like you." I didn't freak out or think that he meant in a way more than a friend. He has Martha Moore after all. After stopping short, I continued folding and said, "Huh?" I didn't understand what he meant or where it came from. Then he said, "I like your style. Your personality. Even though you are who you are, you like to keep a low profile. You don't boast about who you know or who you are."
With a bewildered look on my face, I replied, "How else am I supposed to be?" Frank continues, "No I mean, I didn't even know who you are until we came here and we had to mention who your father is at the guardhouse. Usually, when I meet people like you, they wouldn't be the way you are." I immediately get defensive. "What do you mean the way I am?"
I actually already knew where he was going with it because I'd heard it a hundred times before. People meet me, they get to know me...then they come to my house. Then I get the "I didn't know you're 'anak Datuk'". When Frank said that, it was with such caution and it came out in almost a whisper. It was as though he was saying something taboo. People have always had an image of what an 'anak Datuk' should be like. Hell, even I know what they're like (I purposely say "they" and not "we" because I believe that I am anak Papa. He ain't no Datuk in my eyes).
The description of an anak Datuk goes something like this:
They are the epitome of labels. LV made the smart move of printing their name all over their products as anak Datuk's won't need to mention who they're wearing - it's right there on the bag. ALL OVER the bag.
They are arrogant and feel that they have the right and power to do and say as they please because they're father is a Datuk (eh, fuck you la).
They will only mix and mingle with those who are of the same standing. This is something I do not understand because I think it's bullshit. And it's this perception that I get the, "I didn't know you're an anak Datuk" line. I have anak Datuk friends. And I can safely say to you now that they have looked at me as though I'm some sort of alien because I have friends who are 'normal'.
They will ONLY speak English. Malay is forbidden and only used when forced upon them. They tend to forget that they themselves are Malay and have just as black an asshole as everyone else (I'm getting a little angry writing this. My apologies.)
They don't work because they have some sort of sick belief and thinking that their Datuk father will provide money to them for the rest of their lives (even when their Datuk father is no longer around). I have actually had looks of disgust by anak Datuk's when they find out I have a second job at Get Crafty. If their face could speak, it'd say, "Eeeeww... why are you doing work meant for minions?"
Kampungs are far away places that they don't want to be associated with. If they do, they will arm themselves with laptops and dvds and iPods to kill time instead of appreciating the life there.
Raya (or any other occasion for that matter) is a time to show off. It's a time to display new clothes and jewellery and the latest technological gadgets.
Granted, not everyone is like this and not every anak Datuk is this way. There are plenty of us out there (yes, "us") who work for their money, pay their own debts and help their fathers when he's getting older. But it's rare and it's sad to say that this stereotypical image of an anak Datuk is what is more widely known and used among society as they outnumber the rest of us.
I have nothing against Datuks - at least those who actually earn their way to get their title. I have no problem with these men and women who buy gadgets or houses and properties and "show it off". Hell, they worked their asses off and they earned it. The sad thing is, the Datins and the anak Datuks who are just long for the ride bitch and boast as though they are the ones who earned their way to a title.
I really hope that people and things will change. And I hope that one day people won't look at me and say, "wow, you're an anak Datuk and you're doing laundry." I'm not trying to say anything about our conversation that night Frank. It just got me thinking. You are probably the hundreth person to have said all those things to me and I always feel two things whenever I hear it. 1. I'm glad and I appreciate the fact that my friends have taken time to get to know me instead of wanting to know me because of who my father is. 2. Amused and a little sad. Amused because you all have a look that says, oohh...I have to be careful around her now (but thank God you all forget that and just treat me as normal). And sad because at the end of the day, I am and will always be...anak Datuk (*vomiting into a bucket*).
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