Thursday, 11 December 2008 @ 10.53am
I now understand why a lot of children (no matter what age they are) lie to their parents. I used to believe that honesty is the best policy. I used to discuss openly my problems with my father. This morning, I now think that honesty is not necessarily the best policy anymore.
Papa asked me how's work. Me, thinking that I should keep up this honest and open dialogue that I've had with him for the last couple of years, replied, "not good. I don't think it'll be for long." Immediately his face changes and he says the five words that I have long dreaded to hear, "You should've stayed at Trix."
I was horrified. It was 8.30am. I felt the rage enter me as I saw him shaking his head and his face saying, I knew it, you can't make it, you're a disappointment. I fired back saying it's the risk and challenge. And that I didn't want to rot at Trix with the pay that I was getting doing two people's jobs. And of course, I could see on the verge of his tongue he was about to call me rude. So I shut up. As he "advised" me on what I should do with my career, I decided there and then I will not be so honest anymore. The next time I'm asked how's work, my reply will be, "it's fan-fucking-tastic. I love having to work in an environment where I get the 'big' clients so they have someone new to attack and harass every single day. I love being the one who chase for quotations and rush off to meetings. I love having to sit in my corner not being able to participate creatively where I once was able to. Yes, it's fan-fucking-tastic because the money's better. So why the fuck should I care how I feel? Work like a fucking robot. Fuck that the six years spent in Melbourne and two years working experience is gone to WASTE."
Yes, I am extremely angry at the moment. I don't understand what it is. Not everything is about money. I understand that times are hard and it'll just get harder in the next coming years. But it's difficult to trust a 24-year-old who knows NOTHING right? What I say is shit. It amounts to nothing. I never seem to be able to make my own decisions. Everything I do I'm forced into doing it. Let's look back shall we?
I was forced into taking my Diploma of Mass Communications. I was forced into taking my Bachelor of Arts (Media & Communication). I was forced to work with Josh for two months before being forced into signing to work with Trix (as I remember correctly, Papa was also upset that I signed with Trix before discussing it with anyone). I was forced to quit Trix to try something new. I was forced to work with MA. I was forced to work part-time at Get Crafty. I was forced into doing Kostari. I was forced into buying my car... if you didn't notice, I was being sarcastic.
Have a read through again. Have I made some bad decisions in the last eight years of my life? Do you know what I was really almost forced into doing? Finance. Hah! I fought hard as fuck into getting the Diploma and degree of my choice. Gee, what a bad choice I made. And look at me now. Still a bad choice huh? Am I struggling? Am I dying? Am I not paying for my own car and bills?
Am I really doing something wrong here? People, talk to me. Enlighten me. I'm going to the edge. I'm about to LOSE IT! Is it wrong that I want to do something that's not rigid and traditional? Yes, money is important. It's an obligation. But should it rule your life? Should it dictate your every movement? I'm young. I'm literally working all the time. Money is ALREADY dictating my life. Should I still be reminded by it?
God help me.