Thursday, 18 December 2008 @ 6.57pm
I need a cigarette. I'm dying. I feel like everyone wants a piece of me.
I quit about three months into my relationship with Eddie. I'd been smoking since I was about 17. I decided to quit because it got to a point where I was smoking so much that I felt like vomiting by 11am. I hated the smell. In the afternoons, it made me dizzy. But after lunch...ahhh...
I haven't had a craving since...wow...I don't remember. But I remember I was sitting at a mamak with Eddie and I took one of his sticks and lit up. After a few puffs I put it out because I didn't want it anymore.I felt disgusted.
Today...is not a good day. I woke up with a sacrifice on my mind. A sadness and numbness that's so new but so real and so justifiably fair. I hate that I was the one who realised it. Yuck. Why must I suddenly grow a conscience? Coming into the office, it was chaos. I'd miss my big meeting yesterday evening and everyone was updating and questioning. On the table behind me, the newspapers were as tall as my legs.
By lunch time, my fingers were covered in carbon with my frantically looking through all the papers for ads that were worthy of cutting out and filing. I was cold, stressed and being pulled at every free chance by every living soul in the office.
At 3.30pm, I got an earful from a client who continues to blame the agency for being slow in delivering our copy and visual. Fuck you, bitch. You didn't follow the fucking schedule. And me, being the ever responsible AE, listened, apologised and used the standard and well-known phrase by AEs the world over - "I'll check and get back to you." As I walked into L's office for a meeting, the fucking bitch called L to complain. I got the bear of the brunt. Luckily, V and N came to my defense. They knew what was going on.
I left L's office thinking, "what else could go wrong?" Missed calls and an SMS oon my phone reminding me of work that's still to be done for Kostari. I sat down and put my head in my hands. This was the moment I so craved for a cigarette.
When I was working at Trix - especially during our peak periods - I used to practically count down the minutes before 1pm. The first drag was all it took to life that burden from my shoulders. When I had to stay back in the office, there were times I'd go down at 6.30pm, have a few quick puffs and rush back up to work.
Today, I was even thinking of ways to get a cigarette. I didn't want to buy a pack. Number 1, they're fucking expensive now. Number 2, I'd never finish it. Number 3, Eddie wouldn't be too pleased. I was even close to going to J in the next cubicle to steal one of his sticks.
Luckily, a few banter emails back and forth with K and the craving went away. K and I were sarcastically complementing our clients love and praise for the agency. Notice the sarcasm?
*Sigh* Life's a bitch. It keeps moving on. Even if you just want it all to stop. Evev for just 5 minutes.