Saturday, July 4, 2009


Sunday, 5 July 2009 @ 9.32am

I sometimes wonder if I’ve done something so extremely wrong and unforgivable in my lifetime. I sometimes feel like the lonely outcast who on the outside, chooses to be strong, but on the inside, is just torn to pieces. I sometimes feel as though I deserve it, and live with it. But then there are things that are so unjustified and so unfair that I start to wonder who’s really in the wrong.

It usually hits when there are things or events that make it too obvious for me not to compare. Or when I’m in the room flipping through a magazine. Or when I go pick up something that I once so excitedly ordered. Or when I’ve decided on a colour. Or when I’m with Eddie and we’ve bought one more thing for that day.

It’s a mix of sadness and anger. Of loneliness and happiness. Sad because I don’t understand why. Angry because I don’t think it’s fair. Lonely…because quite honestly, it can be pretty fucking lonely to have to do it yourself. And happy…because I know that there is support somewhere else.

I know the history and I know the pattern. A storm is coming up soon. I don’t even want to bring up the subject anymore because the response is usually a long face and a “nantilah…” reply. Why do I bother to even try to ask for help? It puts too much hope when you initially think that there is help. And then when I do go ahead with it, that’s when the shit hits the fan.

I feel so guilty. And I have no reason to feel this way. I’m doing it the right way. I’m doing it the traditionally correct way. Cut me some fucking slack. I work seven fucking days in a fucking week. To top that off, I’m doing all the fucking planning by my fucking self. Cut me some fucking slack. Boleh tak? What else the fuck more do you want from me? To be pretentious and superficial? To be alone and ‘fulfilled’?

The solution is simple. Wayang. Usually when you paste a fake smile on your face and pretend everything is a-okay and everyone is ‘happy’, then there’s no fucking problem anymore. Well here I fucking go again. I made a mistake a few months ago when I thought things were different. I made a fucking mistake when I took down that wall around my heart. I now remember why I built it in the first place.

Do you know what it feels like to go to the tailor and have no one beside you to share the joy you should be feeling? Do you know what it feels like to go shopping for lace and ribbon and have no one back up your thoughts or share ideas with you? Do you know what it feels like to work seven fucking days a week knowing that in the end you will probably not be able to even afford it? Do you know what it feels like to think that on the actual day, I’ll be sitting alone at the corner, and instead of being celebrated, witness small groups around me bitching about the other family, or the colour I’ve chosen, or the person I’ve chosen? Do you know what it feels like to not have a single fucking day off and to have to do everything yourself? Do you know what it fucking feels like when you’ve just finished another long day at work and on the drive home you’re busy planning, planning, planning…all by yourself? Do you know the empty hole that’s been created ever since this all started?

My response is also simple. Kalau terasa when you read this, then it was most likely about you. And again I say, this is MY blog. If anything I write hurts your feelings, then stop reading it.


anita r said...

Here's a suggestion: if you need help, ask. You only asked for help once, after which you kept quiet. The thing is, you're not the only actress in this wayang.

I've been in this wayang for much longer than you. I constantly and consistently have to watch what I say, especially to certain characters in the play so as not to hurt their ever so fragile feelings.

The main characters of this wayang are members of the same family, who for some unfortunate reason do not know each other very well or at all and are not willing to take the time to get to know each other. Its probably a mite too late to suddenly be interested, therefore the damage is permanent.

Yes you work seven days a week, but that's a choice you made to be able to do whatever it is you're doing now. If you can't handle it, don't. This is life. This is what we grown-ups do. This is how it will be from here on end.

You, an outcast? I was the original outcast. Or have you forgotten? But I make do. I'm tired of being nice, of pretending, of smiling when I feel like punching someone square in the face, of just having to be ever so careful all the fucking time.

Can you imagine how it feels like for me? I have three children under my care, and I am trying my best to lead by example. I tell them countless times, don't listen to whatever negative bullshit you hear. Learn to make your own judgements, don't let anyone tell you how to think.

But just look around you. Do you feel any positive vibes? I don't. Siblings are not talking to each other, yet I still hear voices saying, don't fight with your siblings. Siblings are staying away from each others homes, siblings are not attending the weddings of their nieces/nephews.

And I have to do everything in my power to ensure the children are not sucked in by all the negativity surrounding their daily life.

Yes, I am sure a storm is coming. But I am beyond caring. Because after the first few storms, its just not funny anymore. I don't find it amusing. Its a waste of everyone's time. Life is short. Live it. And I also don't give a shit who reads my comments. Peace.

RazWah said...

I do agree with both of you. I feel the same way too, who cares whether I'm ok or not. I was sick for two bloody weeks, who came to my room to check on me? No one. I have to walk down to get my drink and food. It's sad, but what can I do. This is what I call kadak dan kadar. Terima aje.

What ever it is kita kena tengok diri kita sendiri. Kadang kala kita terlupa, kerana terleka dengan hal hal lain sehingga kita sendiri tak nampak kelemahan kita. I hope you too faham apa yang I maksudkan. Semua ada masaalah masing masing tapi tidak ada tempat nak bercerita, disebabkan satu dengan yang lain berkaitan. Semua orang menyalahkan seorang saja. Itu lah nasib si malang. Sesiapa yang pandai bercerita dengan enaknya maka orang itu lah yang di sanjung. Apa juga yg dia buat nampak baik, walaupun ceritanya adalah asutan. That's why I talk less, untuk menjaga keamanan suasana. Banyak perkara yang tak betul patut di betulkan tapi tak berdaya. Masing masing hanya ambil berat diri masing masing, tidak ambil peduli sama ada yang lain perlu sokongan. Rumah ini di anggap rumah tumpangan saja. Jadi sekiranya both of you ada cadangan sila bantu. Fikir fikirkan banyak yang patut di betulkan. Suasana rumah ini seperti rumah orang bisu. Yang muda tidak lagi menyapa yang tua. Keluar masuk rumah pun tidak hendak memberitahu. Jadi kita semua kena fikirkan hal ini.

Anyway jangan merasa hati, kerana kita hanya hendak mengluahkan perasaan kita aje.

I am not sad or angry, but I am looking for a better solutions.HELP!

RazWah said...

All you have to do is ask Anna.