Thursday, 1 January 2008 @ 10.22pm
I've been working with children for two years now. And it still amazes me how transparent, honest and real their emotions are. When it hurts, they scream in pain, when they're afraid or are sad, they cry. When they like something, they smile and laugh. When they're angry, they throw a tantrum. There's no in between.
At what stage did we learn to mask our feelings? Learn to play games to disguise our real emotions? When did it become wrong for grown men and women to express themselves honestly without getting in some sort of trouble?
I believe I'm extremely emotional. Some have even said it's bad. But why? Why is it wrong to react emotionally? Why do we need to hide and mask what we truely feel? To protect someone else? Does anybody realise that when we do that, it just hurts us more in the end?
When I don't get to see Eddie, I sometimes get a bit upset. He hears it in my voice. And he always tells me, "jangan ikut sangat." What should I do instead? Pretend? Act? Just continue going on even though inside I'm miserable?I tell him this. He says no, I should be honest with him. How am I supposed to be honest when I'm being told to ignore my honest feelings?
Why are children celebrated for expressing themselves but adults punished for even daring to show what they really feel? Why do we have this innate sickness to hide what we truly feel and only portray the standard and acceptable emotion: happiness.
Today I was miserable. I cried while I drove to work. I cried at the beginning of work. But I knew I couldn't be honest so I stopped. What I did instead was pretend to be happy for the rest of the day. But I'm human. There were definitely moments where the sadness took over. A moment or two where I would zone out. But I had to snap back to reality. Why? So I could satisfy everyone by giving them a smile.
It turned sour again when I went to Pavilion. He left. He's avoiding me. Yes, we had an incredibly huge and public fight an hour into the New Year. But the feeling of sadness and misery set in once again. I knew what it meant. But now that I think about it, didn't we honestly portray our feelings to each other last night? I had my point. He had his. I was adamant and so was he.
Why do children heal faster? Why don't children understand grudge and revenge? Why don't children know how to hide and disappear? Because somewhere along the way, we were taught that it's wrong to be anything but happy. We were taught that a part of our adult duty is to please everyone else but yourself. And that's exactly what I did today. I got on with my job. I did what I had to do. I ignored whatever I could. But now I can't anymore.
I hope you know...that this has nothing to do with you
It's personal, myself and I...
We've got some straightening out to do...
And I'm gonna miss you like a child misses their blanket
But I've got to get a move on with my life
It's time to be a big girl now...and big girls don't cry...