Facade

Wednesday, 14 January 2009 @ 2.11pm

I want to stop being known as confident, independent and strong. For many, many years people have been telling me that I’m capable and smart and strong. That I can go through anything. That I can handle everything. That anyone can throw anything at me and all I’ll do is reply with a charm that’ll shut them up. For how long do you think I can keep up this façade? For how long do you think I can continue weighing this burden on me?

Yes, I have all these jobs. I’m always running around. Always on the go. Once in a while, I may have borrowed money from friends, or called crying, or called saying that I’m parked at the side of the road somewhere. Isn’t that a sign? Shouldn’t that raise alarm bells that maybe something’s not right? That I really can’t handle it all?

When I met you, I thought that I've met someone who's confident, independent and strong. Someone just like me. Except you're a man. I thought I can finally relax and start behaving like a girl when I'm around you. Be manja and start depending on you. To have someone there that I can cry to when I feel like I can't be 'confindent, independent and strong' at the moment.

You never want to talk about our problems. You always want to cuddle and tell me you miss me when you see me. Then you always want to talk about work and money. So fine. I realised that I can't be manja. I can't be a girl. I have to harden my heart again.