Jealous

Monday, 19 January 2009 @ 6.39pm

I was jealous the other day. No, not because of Eddie and another woman or anything like that. It was a different kind of jealousy. A sort of jealousy I’d never experienced. A sort of jealousy that I’d only seen from single friends.

Eddie and I had gone to dinner with his sister and her future husband. They’re getting engaged in March and planning to get married in either June or December. When we were discussing wedding dates and themes and colours, I started to feel something unfamiliar to me. I became a little quiet and withdrawn then. I wasn’t really sure why I was feeling that way yet until I said, “At my wedding, the theme will be lilac and silver.” I’d spoken to Eddie about all of this before, so he wasn’t surprised. But in a weird way, I sort of felt surprised once I’d said it out loud to someone other than Eddie.

Eddie’s sister suggested we go catch a late movie or sing karaoke. But I declined. Saying I was tired and wanted to go home. On the drive back home, I was quiet. Eddie knew something was wrong. He was probing for answers. I just said, “nothing.” Upon nearly reaching our destination, I was playing with his hand when we were stopped at a traffic light and I finally confessed.

A: “I’m jealous.”

E: “Why?”

A: “I don’t wanna tell you.”

E: (silence for a few seconds before his face changes to sympathy) “Yang, benda-benda macam ni we cannot rush. Sekarang ni kita takde duit. Soon ok?”

I sulk for a while more. I’d been joking with him for a few weeks now about Wawasan 2020 (Vision 2020) – the year that we’ll actually be able to get married at the rate we’re going. There are days when I get sad. And days when he feels bad. But we make it work. Our plan is going smoothly, just moving along very slowly.

It seems like everywhere I turn now, someone’s getting married. Or their brother or sister or cousin or aunty. I’ve seen single women who have expressed fear of becoming a lonely spinster. And that if there’s a man and an offer, sure, they’d take it. A year ago, I semi-sympathised these women, but laughed it off and joked that things were going to be fine and they’ll find someone someday.

A year ago, I didn’t think about furniture and loans and this and that. I just thought, hey, I’m having fun. And all the extra money I earned from other jobs just meant that I could go out and spend more. Now…I work extra days to earn more for savings and for road tax and for insurance. Eddie started part-time work on top of his full-time duties to put money into our savings.

Years ago, I always knew I wanted to get married. I just never saw it as a reality. Now…it only really hit me that I want to and that I’m ready for such a commitment when I knew that I found the right man.

No, he may not earn hundreds of thousands a year. And he may not possess a house. But I believe that we should work together to get all those things. I only realised how serious he was too when he was enthusiastic and almost relieved at my suggestion to work out a monthly budget in an excel file (I recommend that to EVERYBODY – you know what your budget is. You know how much goes to bills. And you know what you can put into savings).

So yes, I’m a little jealous. I’m happy for Ijah and Rasydan. I’m happy that they’re working out a budget too and planning and wanting our help in thoughts, suggestions and ideas along the way. But I can’t help but think…when is it my turn? When can we give the green light to Ayah and Paklong? I don’t want to go back to Teluk Intan again until I know the answer. Paklong is already in fifth gear. He’s just got his foot on the brakes till Eddie and I say go. But patience is a virtue. Things are slow because it’s the beginning. I foresee us staying in more to be able to reach our goal.

Paying for your own wedding sucks. But I know in the end, it’ll be worth it. Because it’ll be ours.