Monday, 16 March 2009 @ 2.35am
There have been a couple of recent developments. I tried to quit my job, but was refused and now am deciding what I'll do once I'm given the confirmation letter. My brother told me he's getting married this year. And I finally had the courage to tell my parents I'm getting engaged this year.
The last two weeks has been a rollercoaster ride of emotions for me. I've been upset and confused about work. Then a little relieved and anxious after trying to quit. Then I was nervous about talking to my parents about Eddie's family coming to ask for my hand in marriage. Then extremely pleased and happy that they're ok and supportive of it. Then busy and slightly panicked once the fear has settled down and reality has kicked back in.
I've been planning for my engagement for a couple of weeks now. Writing down a list of what to buy and budgeting for it. Then researching price differences and going from shop to shop to find what perfume, shoes, handbag, etc. to buy. This was all done in secret, while fearing an argument of wanting to get married.
After my parents ok-ed it, we went into full mode. Before this, we were being careful and not really doing anything 'obvious' that would give it away to my family. Now...I'm still trying to believe the idea that first, I'm getting engaged. And second, that I have my family's support. (Oh. My. God.)
In the last two days, things have settled a little... and that's when I started panicking. There's SO MUCH to do before the engagement in July! I need to buy a new bed. I need to get my dress done. I need to find the best place to get beautifully-decorated cupcakes done. I need to FIND TIME to buy all the hantaran items. Oh my god... just listing it down...
Today, I made the effort to buy some bridal magazines to get ideas of what kind of dress I want. (Oh my god... I'm getting engaged...) And then made the extra effort to drag Martha and Frank with me after work to a bridal shop to survey what items need to be bought and when. (At least I managed to get some ribbon samples of what I want to decorate my hantaran items).
Then as I was flipping through the magazines, I realised that I have to go get my dress done NOW if I want to make sure that there's no delays or setbacks before July. (Oh my god...I'm getting engaged...) And as I continued flipping, I had NO IDEA what I wanted. There's SO MANY to choose from and there's SO LITTLE time! (At least I've made certain what colour I want for my engagement. *Pause* Oh my god...)
There were around twenty-five thousand things going through my head earlier - the poster I was supposed to be editing, all the engagement and future wedding plans, the meetings that are lined up for me tomorrow at work...
I couldn't concentrate. So I thought...Facebook. I scrolled down my page and saw a picture of Eddie and baby Shira. That made me smile and calmed me down immediately.
When I was back in Teluk Intan with him for Ijah's engagement (yes, everyone really is getting married), I remember I was putting make-up on in the back room when Eddie's aunty asked me to bring my camera out to the living room. Eddie was sitting on the couch with baby Shira cuddling up to him. (She doesn't like just anybody. If she doesn't want you, she'd scream and hit you.) I saw that picture that I took of him and baby Shira and started to relax. Seeing him so happy holding I don't know whose baby just made me feel calm and even more confident that I want to marry him.
I remember after I took that photo, I was sitting in a sea of women, young and old, fretting over last minute hantaran to be wrapped in the bride's room. Ijah was sitting on the bed getting her make-up done when all of a sudden Shira, this tiny two-year-old, walked into the room holding onto two of Eddie's fingers. She was taking him for a walk. Eddie was bent over, happy to follow her orders. This tiny little girl was taking this giant of a man (when compared to her) for a walk around the house. And that memory just makes me smile. Even at that moment when I was living it, suddenly all the noise around me faded and the focus was on Eddie's huge smile as baby Shira took tiny steps into the room :)
I've put that picture of Eddie and Shira as my wallpaper on my laptop. It makes me calm. It's hard to explain. But maybe you understand what I mean. I dunno. I can't sleep...just means it's time to start planning again (Oh my god... I'm getting engaged...)