Friday, October 10, 2008

What now?

It's come to a point where I cannot function. I cannot think. My mind is filled with so much nonsense that I find myself sitting here doing meaningless things while the pile of work continues to slowly grow higher and higher. I'm uploading photos on Facebook for a friend. I offered to because then that'll give me an excuse to pass time without having to use my head.

I'm thinking of money. How am I going to get my car serviced? How am I going to continue topping up petrol this month? I can't keep "borrowing" Papa's credit card. How am I going to pay my credit card bill? How am I going to afford a monthly pass for the new job? How am I going to top up my Touch 'n' Go? How am I going to save enough money to convert to Rupiah for Palembang at the end of this month? How am I going to find the money to get a gift for Andre? And how am I going to get another gift for Baiti's wedding present?

I'm thinking of family. When are things going to change? When am I going to finally get a peace of mind? When are people going to start helping out? When will I get to leave? And no, I will not delete any blogs from here on out. You don't like what I say? Stop reading my blog.

I'm thinking of friends. My boys :) You two are the laughter and joy who know what it takes to make me smile. But what's going on guys? I'm here for you. You should know that. My girls. When I need someone to call, to talk, to laugh with, to shop, to simply check out boys with, you're always there. All I need to do is call. But YOU. I never knew that something like this could happen to us. Things are different already and we both know it. I'm keeping quiet and keeping the peace because we have to go to the wedding together. But it's quite safe to say that things will definitely be different after that. How could YOU of all people do this to me? I feel betrayed. Yes, you've helped me. I've helped you too. How and when did things change? Of all the headaches that I have now, YOU are the one who's giving me the biggest one. After all we've been through...*sigh*

I'm thinking of work. Things are uncertain now. Me, an AE? Really? Yeah I can do it. But to be a full-time AE? Really? And to get fired before you're even hired? Talk about kicking me when I'm down... what do I do now? I look at the Classifieds everyday. But I don't know what job to apply for. I see copywriter and this fear of being told you're not good enough creeps up on me. I look at Editor and think really? Are you capable anymore? I don't know what I'm looking for anymore. I once thought that I was a writer. Now I'm not so sure anymore.

I'm thinking of Eddie. Bila? Tahun depan? Can we? Yeah, we're saving money. But it's never really enough is it? *sigh*

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